I'm tired

Thursday afternoon. Have to go. Look at the clock. Can't do it. Can't breathe. I'd rather stay. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll go
Friday afternoon. same feeling again. Can't make it. Shit! It's this thing again.
Monday morning. Double shit! Can't leave my home. The year is finally coming to its end and this fricking, annoying thing is back. I'm paralyzed. I'm scared to death to leave my house. Have this strong sensation of fear inside me. Something bad will happen. I can feel it; I can sense it. I can clearly see all my old ghosts coming to me. Slowly but effectively they get their places within my mind. The won't go, at least not for now. This isn't simply staying in: it's all it involves. My sad me will once again beat the crap of my happy me, and everybody at home will notice that there's something wrong.
I won't be able to sleep at night (for the record: it's 2.53 am when I'm writing this, at my kitchen, on a piece of paper that seems to have been waiting for me).
I don't get it. Things were ok. I was doing ok. Then why? Why do I keep living this fucking nightmare over and over? What is wrong with me? What's the cure? Hurts like you can't imagine. Feel s like everything is falling apart, just once again.