christmas again

Let's supposse it's December. Let's pretend it's 24th. That means problems in my sick mind. I don't like Christmas at all. Why? Because it reminds me of bad things. It's been another year that I have deliberately left God aside. Me and Him, we have a strange relationship, you know? I have told Him that I will not go to church again. And that I don't want Him to worry about me.
In what refers to church, I don't feel ok when I go there. I barely enjoy being with people at that place. I feel a complete impostor, like someone taht needs to pretend that she's a good person. I am not a good person, not if I hurt God that way. But at the same time I can't help it: from where I see it, it's not a matter of faith, but of cheating on my Father. And I don't want to that, so that's why I had decided that.
However, God is in everything I do. I know that He walks at my sidde, watching me, helping me rise when I fall. I wish He didn't do that. It's not that I believe I don't need Him, how could I? It's just that I don't want Him to lose time with me.
So that's a number one reason why I don't like Xmas. And then it's these people, that would say 'Have a happy Christmas' and whatever, and the rest of the year they would simply through their car over you, just because it's in their nature. Wouldn't it be better if we acted more like we do every day? Or maybe that's the magic of this celebration, and I am not aloud to see it. Maybe next year.