the other night Iwas listening to my old but loved CD´s when I found one by No Doubt.
I played it and my voice could easily follow the lyrics. thanks to that, I could infer that my memory still works.
one of the songs in the album is called "simple kind of life". it talks about the regrets that singer experiments after a broke up. there is an interesting line there that says: "if we met tomorrow for the very first time, would it start all over again?, would I try to make you mine?"
I kept thinking on that line, and its content. then I sat in silence and I tried to focused on the words. then I arrive to a conclusion: leaving the romantic perspective aside (whici I´m not interested in, today), the issue for me could be: given tha chance to know and see the future, what would be our attitude like?
I mean, day after day we complain of our lives and the pathetic way we live them. how many times have we wished to be able to see the future in order to avoid making mistakes that hurt us and others so much? life would be really easier if we had that precious advantage. but wuold it be better?
the answer is, of course, not only personal but also subjective. on many ocassions the results wolud be so different with that slight but crucial power.
however, there are other times, when it´s nice to see and live every new day as a complete ignorant, finding new paths in the map of life; recognizing new faces among thousands of them; exploring new possibilities in this game called life that can be as safe as dangerous.
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
winter break
every time we come back from holidays is that question: "did you enjoy your holidays?". and always the same honest and direct answer: " at least I´ve survived!"
since I can remember, holidays have always been a problem to me I suppose it has to do with all tha extra (too much?) free time that I have, and which I haven´t learnt to deal with.
however, these last holidays have been completely different. I was able to organize my life in a productive way. therefore, I could go on with thew daily house chores (that will never, ever end, by the way), my teaching practice (an amazing experience), and I had time to think.
the good news is that I didn´t think in the same destructive way that I always do: this time I made a supreme and worthtaking effort and, to my delight, I found out that not everything has to be dark and gloomy. but don´t get me wrong, I do like to be dark and gloomy! it´s just that it was nice to realize that if I want to change I can do it .
during these weeks I saw myself bearing in mindthat this could be the appropiate time to do it. a perfect opportunity to discover, evaluate and add new pieces of me.
i´m not gonna say that I´m happy, but at least I´m in peace with myself, and such a sensation cannot be wrong!
since I can remember, holidays have always been a problem to me I suppose it has to do with all tha extra (too much?) free time that I have, and which I haven´t learnt to deal with.
however, these last holidays have been completely different. I was able to organize my life in a productive way. therefore, I could go on with thew daily house chores (that will never, ever end, by the way), my teaching practice (an amazing experience), and I had time to think.
the good news is that I didn´t think in the same destructive way that I always do: this time I made a supreme and worthtaking effort and, to my delight, I found out that not everything has to be dark and gloomy. but don´t get me wrong, I do like to be dark and gloomy! it´s just that it was nice to realize that if I want to change I can do it .
during these weeks I saw myself bearing in mindthat this could be the appropiate time to do it. a perfect opportunity to discover, evaluate and add new pieces of me.
i´m not gonna say that I´m happy, but at least I´m in peace with myself, and such a sensation cannot be wrong!
Nonsense III
she forced me to be someone I didn´t want to be. since the day number one, she put me in a situation that didn´t allow me to think clearly. this intruder showed up out of nowhere, and never went away.
even when I refuse to do it, I cannot help seeing her. everywhere I go, this cgharacter is hidden. ready to attack me. ready to use my weakness as her weapon of death.
this is a professional that we are talking about. someone who has forced me to get apart from my family and friends.
she has managed herself to settle distractions araound me. I cannot let her win, but I cannot help it, either.
up to now, I still don´t know, or understand why did I let her in. how could I´ve been so stupid, so naiv and blind not to see what was going on?
I just want this crazy nightmare to end. I want to erase it from earth. will I be able to do it? is just the dessire of something sufficient? I wish I had answers to these questions that never stop. I wish I could.
even when I refuse to do it, I cannot help seeing her. everywhere I go, this cgharacter is hidden. ready to attack me. ready to use my weakness as her weapon of death.
this is a professional that we are talking about. someone who has forced me to get apart from my family and friends.
she has managed herself to settle distractions araound me. I cannot let her win, but I cannot help it, either.
up to now, I still don´t know, or understand why did I let her in. how could I´ve been so stupid, so naiv and blind not to see what was going on?
I just want this crazy nightmare to end. I want to erase it from earth. will I be able to do it? is just the dessire of something sufficient? I wish I had answers to these questions that never stop. I wish I could.
frustration it is, then
have you ever experimented frustration? I have, and let me tell you, it´s not nice. when I´m frustrated I feel as if thousands of ghosts came to me laughing, screaming and whisteling a stupid tune. at those ocassions, the only thing I can think of is "I´m not gonna be able to do this, this is too much for me". I always make the biggest effort to scare those evil thoughts away, but it´s never enough... this state of degradation against myself is usually accompained by a stron feeling of guilt and remorse. I don´t know why, but I always commit the same stupid mistake: I don´t aloud myself to feel sad when things don´t turn out as I expect them to be. of course the situation is unbearable, but I think that if I were just a bit more flexible, I wouldn´t take that long in solving the issues that drove to the mentioned problem.
I feel like I´m in a damned maze and I can´t get out. I want to get out, but I just can´t.
I feel like I´m in a damned maze and I can´t get out. I want to get out, but I just can´t.
he and she
the woman looked around, looking for an explanation that no one dared to give. at first she thought that it was a nightmare, that the situation was unreal and impossible. but it wasn´t. her husband had benn killed. over his flat chest there was a stain of blood that eventually got bigger. the woman stayed by his side, captured by that shocking image, unable to say a word. her thoughts were coming and going faster than the speed of sound. dizziness took posession of her small body, that now seemed more fragile than ever.
the people around were in silence. each of them thought the same: this was a time to make company, not questions. despite the moment was unbearable, the woman needed that: silence to remember. she has tears on her face. tears that spoke by themselves. this man, her loving husband, the one who had made her happy has gone for ever.
suddenly, the widow made an effort to order her thoughts and ideas, and evoke happier moments. moments that, of course, had to do with her husband. her other half.
slowly, the people began to leave. after a few minutes the only bodies present in that night were he and she.
the people around were in silence. each of them thought the same: this was a time to make company, not questions. despite the moment was unbearable, the woman needed that: silence to remember. she has tears on her face. tears that spoke by themselves. this man, her loving husband, the one who had made her happy has gone for ever.
suddenly, the widow made an effort to order her thoughts and ideas, and evoke happier moments. moments that, of course, had to do with her husband. her other half.
slowly, the people began to leave. after a few minutes the only bodies present in that night were he and she.
Nonsense II
24 years old...scared...lonely...eager to love and be loved...narrow streets...happy people everywhere...faces that don´t look familiar...peace...a tall boy...sad face... wrong feelings...stupid anguish...day after day...sadness....serious emptiness...the same boy again...a waste of time...seduction...a crazy game...I´m lost...mortal devastation...a professional pretender...chronic illness...my heart hurts...black fantasies...faith...eyes full of rage...eyes that judge me...red water...I´m drowning...oh, inevitable and bitter truth... I LOVE YOU.......
Sarah, the queen of wisdom.
Sarah was confused, if not scared. for years her wisdom had helped people from everywhere. her fame was as big as real. the woman was able to tell people their future just by looking at them, but now, something was wrong. really wrong. Sarah had lost her faith: the weapon with which she helped everybody had gone.
she didn´t know why, or for how long would that terrible sensation stay. one thing was for sure, though; it was akward to tell people to believe and have faith if she herself couldn´t do it.
poor Sarah tried everything to get her faith back. she read the Bible, she prayed, and yet she didn´t manage to solve her problem.
of course, little by little people stopped coming, until one day no one asked Sarah for advice. the old woman got sick and it was obvious that her end was inevitable.
one night, Sarah had a dream: ahe was at the beach, wearing a long white dress. her feet enjoyed the refreshing sensation that only sand gives and her white hair was taken by the soft wind. suddenly, Alah came to her. He was huge: a majestuous and perfect being sorrunded by light.
Sarah stayed still, unable to articulate a word: her Lord was in front of her! finally, the woman was urged to say- I ´ve been looking for you.
- I know it, Sarah- ,was the answer.
she told Alah what was her problem, and the devastating effect that it had had on her life. Alah listened patiently, smiling and nodding ocassionally. when the woman finished explaining her problem, the Lord said: -You haven´t lost your faith, Sarah.
- But my dear Lord, I´m telling you it´s gone!- said the woman with tears on her cheeks.
Alah smiled once more. -Listen to me. your faith has grown inside you since the moment you decided to follow my steps. therefore, it won´t go anywhere, unless...-, he stopped.
-Unless what? asked Sarah.
-Unless you aloud it.
-But that´s impossible! I´d never do that to you my Lord. I mean, an average person, maybe, but me? my wisdom ´d make me realize about my mistake and..
-That´s exactly the problem. don´t you see, woman, that your wisdom has interfired with your faith to the point of diminish it?
remember that you are wise only because you believe in me and as a consecuence have been blessed with this gift.
-But...
-Look. you have spent all your life telling people what to do and giving them advice. Now listen to the advice of this one that is speaking to you: look inside you, for your faith is still there. Hurry up, because it won´t be alive much longert if you don´t find it and heal it. look inside, Sarah, look for your faith.
With those last words the image dissapeared anbd the dream came to its end.
during the followingt weeks her condition was the same, until one day she wake up, feeling better than ever in her life.
eveybody asked Sarah to tell them what had happened, and how did she get better. however, her answer was always the same. -I´ll just tell you that I had to make a long trip, and that in the end I was able to find my priceless treasure.
-What treasure is that?- they would ask.
-A treasure that will never go away again.
she didn´t know why, or for how long would that terrible sensation stay. one thing was for sure, though; it was akward to tell people to believe and have faith if she herself couldn´t do it.
poor Sarah tried everything to get her faith back. she read the Bible, she prayed, and yet she didn´t manage to solve her problem.
of course, little by little people stopped coming, until one day no one asked Sarah for advice. the old woman got sick and it was obvious that her end was inevitable.
one night, Sarah had a dream: ahe was at the beach, wearing a long white dress. her feet enjoyed the refreshing sensation that only sand gives and her white hair was taken by the soft wind. suddenly, Alah came to her. He was huge: a majestuous and perfect being sorrunded by light.
Sarah stayed still, unable to articulate a word: her Lord was in front of her! finally, the woman was urged to say- I ´ve been looking for you.
- I know it, Sarah- ,was the answer.
she told Alah what was her problem, and the devastating effect that it had had on her life. Alah listened patiently, smiling and nodding ocassionally. when the woman finished explaining her problem, the Lord said: -You haven´t lost your faith, Sarah.
- But my dear Lord, I´m telling you it´s gone!- said the woman with tears on her cheeks.
Alah smiled once more. -Listen to me. your faith has grown inside you since the moment you decided to follow my steps. therefore, it won´t go anywhere, unless...-, he stopped.
-Unless what? asked Sarah.
-Unless you aloud it.
-But that´s impossible! I´d never do that to you my Lord. I mean, an average person, maybe, but me? my wisdom ´d make me realize about my mistake and..
-That´s exactly the problem. don´t you see, woman, that your wisdom has interfired with your faith to the point of diminish it?
remember that you are wise only because you believe in me and as a consecuence have been blessed with this gift.
-But...
-Look. you have spent all your life telling people what to do and giving them advice. Now listen to the advice of this one that is speaking to you: look inside you, for your faith is still there. Hurry up, because it won´t be alive much longert if you don´t find it and heal it. look inside, Sarah, look for your faith.
With those last words the image dissapeared anbd the dream came to its end.
during the followingt weeks her condition was the same, until one day she wake up, feeling better than ever in her life.
eveybody asked Sarah to tell them what had happened, and how did she get better. however, her answer was always the same. -I´ll just tell you that I had to make a long trip, and that in the end I was able to find my priceless treasure.
-What treasure is that?- they would ask.
-A treasure that will never go away again.
released thoughts:
If I had the courage I would tell you what I feel. I would go to your house, ring the bell and wait for you to come out. I would smile at you, and then I would just say those words that have been in my mind for almost a year: I love you.
I love you more that you can imagine. More than I can tolerate. I deeply love you. I keep a secret with me that I´m dying to make public. N o one knows, but I think of you all the time. my head is full of annoying bees that work all day long wiyhout resting, taking the nectar of love. If I dare to make them go, they´ll be fiurious at me. they´ll throw me stings full of poison. the piposon of love. That sweet poison that I´m used to, and that provokes a slow pain. you are my poison. you are my reason to be alive.
I love you more that you can imagine. More than I can tolerate. I deeply love you. I keep a secret with me that I´m dying to make public. N o one knows, but I think of you all the time. my head is full of annoying bees that work all day long wiyhout resting, taking the nectar of love. If I dare to make them go, they´ll be fiurious at me. they´ll throw me stings full of poison. the piposon of love. That sweet poison that I´m used to, and that provokes a slow pain. you are my poison. you are my reason to be alive.
two strangers:
every day they do the same. they get up, have breakfast, and go to their jobs. He is a lawyer. She is a teacher. By midday both of them are free and could go home, but they create excuses that avoid their coming back. A friend who needs someone to talk to, paper work at the office, the car doesn´t work, etc.
Finally, once thay have made use od that wide range of excuses that each of them hides, they don´t have other choice but to go home. The couple arrive with a difference of some minutes. They look at their faces just once, and they think that will do.
She prepares dinner quickly. the plates are set at the extremes of the long table, and a gigantic and obsene flower pot complements that separation. They have dinner in silence. she knows that in ten minutes he´ll get up and go straight to bed. She´ll take a bit longer. once they are in bed the woman closes her sad eyes and remembers better and distant times. how tender her husband was; the quality of communion and understanding that has been with them for years. Soon she´ll cry, releasing drops of salty flavour that don´t heal anything. Her husband knows it. He feels the same that she does, but he doesn´t want to think about it any longer. He has given up a long time ago.
Their passion is now only a souvenier from happier years when they were a unit. now, the remains of that beautiful relationship are nothing but ashes that flow in the air. It will be a new day soon. a new opportunity they won´t take. A new beginning thast will be thrown away. these two strangers that work as perfect machines have no feelings left, and they know it. What´s worse, they accept their dramatic destiny.
Finally, once thay have made use od that wide range of excuses that each of them hides, they don´t have other choice but to go home. The couple arrive with a difference of some minutes. They look at their faces just once, and they think that will do.
She prepares dinner quickly. the plates are set at the extremes of the long table, and a gigantic and obsene flower pot complements that separation. They have dinner in silence. she knows that in ten minutes he´ll get up and go straight to bed. She´ll take a bit longer. once they are in bed the woman closes her sad eyes and remembers better and distant times. how tender her husband was; the quality of communion and understanding that has been with them for years. Soon she´ll cry, releasing drops of salty flavour that don´t heal anything. Her husband knows it. He feels the same that she does, but he doesn´t want to think about it any longer. He has given up a long time ago.
Their passion is now only a souvenier from happier years when they were a unit. now, the remains of that beautiful relationship are nothing but ashes that flow in the air. It will be a new day soon. a new opportunity they won´t take. A new beginning thast will be thrown away. these two strangers that work as perfect machines have no feelings left, and they know it. What´s worse, they accept their dramatic destiny.
Puppies (a silly, silly poem)
your arrival was totally unexpected.
a surprise that delighted us.
how not to be happy with 6 lovely dogs!
you recognize my whistle whereever you are
the way you run is a reason to laugh.
you trust me since the beginning.
every day I meet you at the backyard.
I place myself on the floor,
and you look for the protection of my arms.
we play for a while,
until you fall asleep on my arms.
your breath is soft.
your little bodies are so relaxed.
and I wonder: are you dreaming about something?
what is it that you see in your dreams?
coloues, maybe shapes?
but we cannot keep you.
I have to give you away.
I´m already suffering.
I only hope that you find a nice home.
I´ll miss you so much!
little puppies, I love you.
please my dear puppies, don´t forget me.
I won´t forget you. I promise.
a surprise that delighted us.
how not to be happy with 6 lovely dogs!
you recognize my whistle whereever you are
the way you run is a reason to laugh.
you trust me since the beginning.
every day I meet you at the backyard.
I place myself on the floor,
and you look for the protection of my arms.
we play for a while,
until you fall asleep on my arms.
your breath is soft.
your little bodies are so relaxed.
and I wonder: are you dreaming about something?
what is it that you see in your dreams?
coloues, maybe shapes?
but we cannot keep you.
I have to give you away.
I´m already suffering.
I only hope that you find a nice home.
I´ll miss you so much!
little puppies, I love you.
please my dear puppies, don´t forget me.
I won´t forget you. I promise.
Monday, 13 August 2007
Happiness? 1/2 kilo, please.
Remember I told you about my experience during this last holidays? Well, one of the things I discovered is that I CANNOT PRETEND TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME.
How did I grt to this amazing and breathtaking conclusion? Not by myself, as you imagine. I had the chance to read some of Jorge Bucay´s ideas (I told you about him before, remember?). Well, he wrote some tales that had a punctual objective: to make the reader place those stories in their mind and think. And that´s exactly what I did.
I was in the beginnings of my tormentuos teenagehood, when I was invaded for the first time by a feeling of emptiness. I´m sure that it had come before, but now I was conscious of it. I assumed that it would go away eventually, but it didn´t, and I ended up inmersedin the eternal search of happiness.
I wanted to feel happy so much, that it quickly became an obsession. however, I didn´t know (or remember) wht happiness was or felt like. I was only sure of one thing: happiness was represented by all the things that I´m lack of. What a positive thought, ha?
Fortunatelly, I had plenty of time to think and I could clearly see that life, in general terms, is full of good and bad moments, days, phases that will dissapear, and which will be replaced by beter or worse ones. I looked over my shoulder and I see just how pathetic I´ve been, always complaining about my life, always with a hideous "but" at the tip of my tongue...
Luckily, now I´m applying a new and constructive way to see and accept things. Before this I couldn´t appreciate all what I have: a beautiful, big, crazy family; amazing friends who accept me for who I am; the presence of my mom (key element of my existance), and even more.
Ifinally understood that happiness is one of the most subjective things on earth, and that not feeling it all the time doesn´t turn me into a lower human being.
Iwrote this for a number of reasons: I want to share this discovery (that I consider to be very important) that I´ve experienced with the ones who know me and care about me. Part of this transformation is due to my lovely friends and classmates (thank you, guys!).
but I also wrote it because I´m sure that it will come a day, sooner or later, when all this espectacular sensation of selfconfidence will vanish for a while, just because, and new doubts will arise. I just want to be prepare enough to face it and to know that THAT, WILL ALSO GO AWAY.
How did I grt to this amazing and breathtaking conclusion? Not by myself, as you imagine. I had the chance to read some of Jorge Bucay´s ideas (I told you about him before, remember?). Well, he wrote some tales that had a punctual objective: to make the reader place those stories in their mind and think. And that´s exactly what I did.
I was in the beginnings of my tormentuos teenagehood, when I was invaded for the first time by a feeling of emptiness. I´m sure that it had come before, but now I was conscious of it. I assumed that it would go away eventually, but it didn´t, and I ended up inmersedin the eternal search of happiness.
I wanted to feel happy so much, that it quickly became an obsession. however, I didn´t know (or remember) wht happiness was or felt like. I was only sure of one thing: happiness was represented by all the things that I´m lack of. What a positive thought, ha?
Fortunatelly, I had plenty of time to think and I could clearly see that life, in general terms, is full of good and bad moments, days, phases that will dissapear, and which will be replaced by beter or worse ones. I looked over my shoulder and I see just how pathetic I´ve been, always complaining about my life, always with a hideous "but" at the tip of my tongue...
Luckily, now I´m applying a new and constructive way to see and accept things. Before this I couldn´t appreciate all what I have: a beautiful, big, crazy family; amazing friends who accept me for who I am; the presence of my mom (key element of my existance), and even more.
Ifinally understood that happiness is one of the most subjective things on earth, and that not feeling it all the time doesn´t turn me into a lower human being.
Iwrote this for a number of reasons: I want to share this discovery (that I consider to be very important) that I´ve experienced with the ones who know me and care about me. Part of this transformation is due to my lovely friends and classmates (thank you, guys!).
but I also wrote it because I´m sure that it will come a day, sooner or later, when all this espectacular sensation of selfconfidence will vanish for a while, just because, and new doubts will arise. I just want to be prepare enough to face it and to know that THAT, WILL ALSO GO AWAY.
rage against the machine (hell yeah!)
come in and see, ladies and gentlemen, you won´t regret it. forget about the old-fashioned circuss with just a few animals, or fun fairs that don´t produce the slightest emotion any longer.
if you are a tourist looking for something new, exciting and, most of all, unique, then Argentina Corporation is your choice.
What can we offer to you? Only the best, or the worst, you choose.
our politicians, for example, have been carefully selected from universities that have the best teachers. these honorable men and women can assure people that things are not getting more and more expensive, that it´s just their imagination. They can also literally tell the police to shoot and kill dangerous teachers who are fighting for their rights.
these "characters" are so wise that they found unusual places where to put the money they earn with so much sacrifice: a bathroom or the trunck of a car are some of them. regarding their transport, it´s nothing less than luxurious: Ferraris and helicopters for special ocassions.
Wait, don´t go yet! Before you throw up out of disgust, let me tell you about our national and most representative sport: FOOTBALL.. We are lucky to have professional footbll players who go to jail full of presents for their favourite "barrabravas". Besides, there are people who are so obssesed with their teams that they organize fights to prove their passion, but don´t worry: if there is a death is only accidental.
So now you know it: if you are a tourist eager to come to our country to show us how to clean a square, don´t miss your chance!
Hurry up! Bying your ticket now you get a hug from the Zar Joey Alperovich for free!!!
For more information, go to http://www.icannotbelievethisf...country.com/, now.
if you are a tourist looking for something new, exciting and, most of all, unique, then Argentina Corporation is your choice.
What can we offer to you? Only the best, or the worst, you choose.
our politicians, for example, have been carefully selected from universities that have the best teachers. these honorable men and women can assure people that things are not getting more and more expensive, that it´s just their imagination. They can also literally tell the police to shoot and kill dangerous teachers who are fighting for their rights.
these "characters" are so wise that they found unusual places where to put the money they earn with so much sacrifice: a bathroom or the trunck of a car are some of them. regarding their transport, it´s nothing less than luxurious: Ferraris and helicopters for special ocassions.
Wait, don´t go yet! Before you throw up out of disgust, let me tell you about our national and most representative sport: FOOTBALL.. We are lucky to have professional footbll players who go to jail full of presents for their favourite "barrabravas". Besides, there are people who are so obssesed with their teams that they organize fights to prove their passion, but don´t worry: if there is a death is only accidental.
So now you know it: if you are a tourist eager to come to our country to show us how to clean a square, don´t miss your chance!
Hurry up! Bying your ticket now you get a hug from the Zar Joey Alperovich for free!!!
For more information, go to http://www.icannotbelievethisf...country.com/, now.
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