The door opened slowly. The woman waited under the morning sun patiently, and only dared to give a step when she saw her confidence reflected on her doctor´s eyes. He put his cold hand on Rita´s cheek. This gentile caress made her react. After five years and endless treatments she was about to see the beauty of liberty. Behind her remained all the bad memories and the shadows that put her in that place. Now, Rita was a different woman, and she couldn´t wait to let the world know it. The woman turned around for the last time, just to see the doctor waving at her. Suddenly ahe had a feeling: yes, Lucio was there. She put the small suitcase on the floor and when he approached she spread out eager hands with which she looked for the face of her lover. The one who had stayed by her side during this difficult time. He smiled at her and kissed her lips. First softly, and then full of the passion that only true lovers are able to express. Rita was happy. Now everything would be OK again. There was nothing to fear and she knew it, ´cause that´s what he transmitted through his look. They walked slowly, together, speechless, just smiling, thinking of all the things they haven´t say to each other. For a moment Rita felt an axelaration in her heart, but then she calmed down. There would be enough time to say all what they wanted. Again the beating. On the one hand she was tempted to look back, but on the other she was afraid that this could have been a dream, and that she would wake up in her bedroom, alone. Lucio loved and knew this fragile woman so much that he guessed what she was thinking. He stopped and turned around together with Rita, to prove her taht it was all right. When she did it she saw the old fence closed, and understood that this was real. With a little, almost unhearable sigh she closed this chapter of her life. A chapter in which her tears and suffering had been the perfect soil in which to plant a new tree of hope and love.
Lucio offered her his strong shoulder and Rita put her head on it confidently.
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
Untitled:
H: you won´t be able to do it!
S: yes. I will!
H: you´ll chicken out. I know it ´cause I know you well.
S: but you can´t control me. I´m sick of this! This is my life that we´re talking about. I have the right to make my own decisions, so leave me alone!
H: I´ll never leave you alone.we were born together and we´ll die just as one, so you better get used to the idea that I´m the one in charge, and I´m telling you: YOU WON´T DO IT! Besides you don´t even have the guts to leave this room. What? Have you forgotten all the times when you didn´t dare to go out because of me? That proves something, doesn´t it?
S: I don´t care! I know that I can get rid of you and so I will. It´ll be painful, but I will.
H: Try it! I wanna see you trying it. Come on, it´ll be fun. For me!
S: .....
H: and? I´m waiting.
S: .....
H: ha! I knew it! I knew I would win. I always win.
S: SHE
H: HERSELF
S: yes. I will!
H: you´ll chicken out. I know it ´cause I know you well.
S: but you can´t control me. I´m sick of this! This is my life that we´re talking about. I have the right to make my own decisions, so leave me alone!
H: I´ll never leave you alone.we were born together and we´ll die just as one, so you better get used to the idea that I´m the one in charge, and I´m telling you: YOU WON´T DO IT! Besides you don´t even have the guts to leave this room. What? Have you forgotten all the times when you didn´t dare to go out because of me? That proves something, doesn´t it?
S: I don´t care! I know that I can get rid of you and so I will. It´ll be painful, but I will.
H: Try it! I wanna see you trying it. Come on, it´ll be fun. For me!
S: .....
H: and? I´m waiting.
S: .....
H: ha! I knew it! I knew I would win. I always win.
S: SHE
H: HERSELF
Tell me:
Tell me that what I did was wrong, and I´ll go back in time just to fix it.
Tell me that happiness is at the buttom of the sea, and I´ll jump right away.
Tell me to plant a tree in the middle of the desert, and I´ll be there, day and night, waiting for it to grow.
Tell me to stop it, and I´ll listen to you.
Tell me to climb the highest mountain for you, and next time you see me I´ll be there.
Tell me to be with you, and you´ll see me beside you ´till the last of your days.
Tell me whatever you want and I´ll do it, I´ll believe it. But tell me not to love you anymore and Iwon´t get it. Simple as that; I will not understand it. Please, don´t you ever tell me that. Please.
Tell me that happiness is at the buttom of the sea, and I´ll jump right away.
Tell me to plant a tree in the middle of the desert, and I´ll be there, day and night, waiting for it to grow.
Tell me to stop it, and I´ll listen to you.
Tell me to climb the highest mountain for you, and next time you see me I´ll be there.
Tell me to be with you, and you´ll see me beside you ´till the last of your days.
Tell me whatever you want and I´ll do it, I´ll believe it. But tell me not to love you anymore and Iwon´t get it. Simple as that; I will not understand it. Please, don´t you ever tell me that. Please.
Nonsense
I can´t breath..I want to move, but I´m stucked in here. Smile. If you smile no one will notice that you are dying. No, I can´t. I need some air. Oh, great! There´s a window there. Air! But I have to cross the room to get it. OK. this is easy. I know what I´ll do: I´ll count ´till 30. No, wait, 35 is better. One, two, three... oh! He saw you. Smile. Wave your hand. Like that. OK, he´s looking at someone else now. Go on. Where did I stop?did I say two or three? No, this isn´t working. The music is too loud. I can´t think. Oh, God I need air. OK. I got it: if I see 5 guys wearing a black sweater I´ll stand up and leave.let´s see: there´s one there, two more here, four, no wait. That sweater isn´t entirely black. Does it count?no, it doesnt. OK. one, two, three... three... I´m thirsty. Look at this people. How can they be so happy? There´s nothing to be happy about and yet they dance, talk and laugh. It´s a relief that they aren´t paying attention on me. Anyway, I can´t stand up. If I do it, they´ll notice me and the party will be over because of my fault. I don´t want that to happen. I wish I could be invisible, but I´m not. I want to go home. I want to take out this ridiculous outfit. I don´t get it: why did I come in the first place? What for? I´m so stupid!!! I hate this and I can hardly breath. I have to go NOW. Come on, it´ll be easy. We´ll do it together. Ready? OK. just let me count:35, no more than that. One, two, three.......
Me, me, me:
Hi, my name´s Ana. I´m 23 years old and I share my body with a strange. It´s myself, but it really is a strange to me. Many of the things I´ve written are due to her, and to our constant fights. She has been inside me since I can remember, talking, whispering, ordering me. Most of the times she has been my number one enemy, always willing to make me fall. Well, Ihad fallen too many times and today I´m tired. Really tired. I don´t want to write, to talk, to convince her to go away, not even to think. I want it to be over. I´m incomplete without her, ´cause she´s the BOSS, and I´m so miserable with her, ´cause she rules.
Seriously, I want it to come to an end. And I don´t care if it is a happy one or a tragic one, I just need it to go away. Please, go. Please, go.
Seriously, I want it to come to an end. And I don´t care if it is a happy one or a tragic one, I just need it to go away. Please, go. Please, go.
It´s a great day (finally!)
What a lovely day is today. I woke up with the first caresses of the sun on my face, and I got up immediately. The sun´s shining so much that I decided to sit at my backyard while I´m writing these lines. What a great sensation is to feel the power of the sun on your back! A sunny day in Winter is something priceless and each animal, plant and object on earth seems to know it. I look at the plants that are being blessed by the king of the sky. It gives me the impression that they´ll start dancing under the golden rain. And the poor ones which are still in shadows wait impatiently for their turn. Nobody wants to miss the show, not even my dog: she walks in circles, slowly, looking for a good place. Finally she chooses the same that I did. She lays at my feet. I laugh because from time to time she looks above, her eyes closed. It hurts her eyes to see the sun so directly, but I think she can´t help it. Neither can I. I feel tempted and I look at it just once more. After all, who can assure that we´ll have a beautiful day like this soon?
I´m in the house now. The difference of temperature is obvious, but just as a battery I have renewed my energies for the rest of the day. Now I´ll focus on my mom: she´s making breakfast while she whistles an old song. I convince her to go out with me only for a couple of minutes and she accepts. The moment she goes out she hurries to put her laborious hand at her forehead, in order to protect herself from the sun. Once she gets used to it my mom looks at me, smiles and tell me what a good idea would be to have breakfast there.
In a couple of hours the presence of the sun will be nothing but a souvenir. All of us, the plants and flowers, my dog, my mom and me will be looking forward to see it again tomorrow.
Tomorrow there´ll be something new to thank for.
I´m in the house now. The difference of temperature is obvious, but just as a battery I have renewed my energies for the rest of the day. Now I´ll focus on my mom: she´s making breakfast while she whistles an old song. I convince her to go out with me only for a couple of minutes and she accepts. The moment she goes out she hurries to put her laborious hand at her forehead, in order to protect herself from the sun. Once she gets used to it my mom looks at me, smiles and tell me what a good idea would be to have breakfast there.
In a couple of hours the presence of the sun will be nothing but a souvenir. All of us, the plants and flowers, my dog, my mom and me will be looking forward to see it again tomorrow.
Tomorrow there´ll be something new to thank for.
It´s raining:
Do you like when it rains? I love it. I love the smell of wet land. This is a universal and particular smell that always makes me think the same: I´m sttill in this world.
I don´t know why, but if it rains I have the necessary strength to go out, and I feel safe. Yeah, I know what you are thinking: it´s weird, but what the hell, my whole life is weird!
When it rains I feel the blessing of God over me. I usually llok for any excuse that will allow me to go out and I walk under the rain slowly, without the protection of an umbrella. What do I need one for if I don´t want to prevent water from touching me?
On rainy days my favourite moment of the day is the morning. I wake up earlier than usual and after I´m done with the housework and the homework, I allow myself to enjoy of this wet day. Sometimes I choose a book to read or I take out my old puzzles. Music is another important elemant when it rains.
I know that many people hate rainy days, but I can´t help loving them. Life seems to be so easy when it rains, don´t you think so? I hope that whoever reads this doesn´t some at the conclussion that I´m an idiot. I mean: I am an idiot, but for other reasons, and not for seeing beauty in the rain.
I don´t know why, but if it rains I have the necessary strength to go out, and I feel safe. Yeah, I know what you are thinking: it´s weird, but what the hell, my whole life is weird!
When it rains I feel the blessing of God over me. I usually llok for any excuse that will allow me to go out and I walk under the rain slowly, without the protection of an umbrella. What do I need one for if I don´t want to prevent water from touching me?
On rainy days my favourite moment of the day is the morning. I wake up earlier than usual and after I´m done with the housework and the homework, I allow myself to enjoy of this wet day. Sometimes I choose a book to read or I take out my old puzzles. Music is another important elemant when it rains.
I know that many people hate rainy days, but I can´t help loving them. Life seems to be so easy when it rains, don´t you think so? I hope that whoever reads this doesn´t some at the conclussion that I´m an idiot. I mean: I am an idiot, but for other reasons, and not for seeing beauty in the rain.
I know it, dear friend:
When you gave me the news this evening I didn´t say a word. I know that you expected me to say something but I couldn´t. I got home, took a bath and went to bed. I tried to get some sleep, but your face appeared each time. After an hour and useless attempts to fall asleep I decided to get up and go to the living room. There I am now. It´s 3.25 and I´m writing these words ´cause I want them to get out of my head. I wish I could stick them to the paper forever.
I know you are scared and so am I, but quitting is not a good option and you know it well. I understand how tired you are and how insecure this whole situation makes you feel, but if you give up now you´ll live with the guilt for the rest of your life. I know you too good to sense that.
If only I could tell you that everything will be better tomorrow, but I don´t do it ´cause even if I wanted, I cannot promise you things that are out of my reach; out of our reach.
Look, if this is the way you want to end the entire path you have walked so long i´ts fine with me, but what about you? Come on, be honest. You just need to give yourself a second chance to start over. Everyone does it at least once in their lives so prove it you too. What do you have to loose?
Dear friend, I only want you to realize of the big mistake you are committing here. No one said it was going to be easy ´cause it isn´t, but you are not alone. There are many people around you waiting for the opportunity to help you, if you let them...
I´m your friend, I love you and I´m willing to walk along at your side. If you allow me to be there with you I´ll do anything, but please, trust me. we can do it together.
Remember: it´s difficult, not impossible.
I know you are scared and so am I, but quitting is not a good option and you know it well. I understand how tired you are and how insecure this whole situation makes you feel, but if you give up now you´ll live with the guilt for the rest of your life. I know you too good to sense that.
If only I could tell you that everything will be better tomorrow, but I don´t do it ´cause even if I wanted, I cannot promise you things that are out of my reach; out of our reach.
Look, if this is the way you want to end the entire path you have walked so long i´ts fine with me, but what about you? Come on, be honest. You just need to give yourself a second chance to start over. Everyone does it at least once in their lives so prove it you too. What do you have to loose?
Dear friend, I only want you to realize of the big mistake you are committing here. No one said it was going to be easy ´cause it isn´t, but you are not alone. There are many people around you waiting for the opportunity to help you, if you let them...
I´m your friend, I love you and I´m willing to walk along at your side. If you allow me to be there with you I´ll do anything, but please, trust me. we can do it together.
Remember: it´s difficult, not impossible.
Happy weekends:
At weekends my family multiplies and gets loudly. My nieces and nephew arrive and stay until Monday morning. I try to spend as much time as possible with them.
Sometimes we decide to go down town; the day chosen is usually a Saturday evening. The objective of the visit may be to do the monthly shopping, or just to walk. Now, each f them has a different interest, so I force myself to be fair with the time devoted to each one.
For my nephew, Agustín, “Game Zone” and some shopping windows from the biggest toyshops in Tucumán are enough to make him happy. He pays special attention at some action dolls and explains me how they work. We start walking and he puts his tiny hands on the window, and opens his eyes as if he wanted to save the images in his memory.
My youngest niece loves watching at the gentil living statue or the man who imitates Michael Jackson at the pedestrian area. In a moment Sabrina´ll turn around to ask me who is the guy imitating and I´ll give her the same answer as usual. I must be careful, though, ´cause she always asks for some coins to give them.
My other niece, Andrea, likes the things that all the girls of her age do. That is cellphones, and the “47 street” shop.
You don´t need me to tell you that rarely do we buy some of the things they like so much, they are just great, and accept the limitations that the lack of money generates.
Sundays are lived differently. In most of the occasions we go to the park, especially to the lake area. the passion of Agustín is fishing, so we prepare everything (mate included, of course) and once we are ready the journey begins. We live quite close to the lake so we usually walk. When we got to the place the roles are taken. Everybody knows what to do: the girls put in an strategic location the fabric on which we´ll sit. My mom and I take out the things we have brought and my nephew... is quite busy preparing his fishing line! Now we wre ready to enjoy of the lovely afternoon.. we talk, tell jokes, zip mate and cheer at Agus when he finally catches a fish.
I may be in the middle of a difficult, long week, but I always know that the weekend is near, and that we´ll enjoy it in family.
Sometimes we decide to go down town; the day chosen is usually a Saturday evening. The objective of the visit may be to do the monthly shopping, or just to walk. Now, each f them has a different interest, so I force myself to be fair with the time devoted to each one.
For my nephew, Agustín, “Game Zone” and some shopping windows from the biggest toyshops in Tucumán are enough to make him happy. He pays special attention at some action dolls and explains me how they work. We start walking and he puts his tiny hands on the window, and opens his eyes as if he wanted to save the images in his memory.
My youngest niece loves watching at the gentil living statue or the man who imitates Michael Jackson at the pedestrian area. In a moment Sabrina´ll turn around to ask me who is the guy imitating and I´ll give her the same answer as usual. I must be careful, though, ´cause she always asks for some coins to give them.
My other niece, Andrea, likes the things that all the girls of her age do. That is cellphones, and the “47 street” shop.
You don´t need me to tell you that rarely do we buy some of the things they like so much, they are just great, and accept the limitations that the lack of money generates.
Sundays are lived differently. In most of the occasions we go to the park, especially to the lake area. the passion of Agustín is fishing, so we prepare everything (mate included, of course) and once we are ready the journey begins. We live quite close to the lake so we usually walk. When we got to the place the roles are taken. Everybody knows what to do: the girls put in an strategic location the fabric on which we´ll sit. My mom and I take out the things we have brought and my nephew... is quite busy preparing his fishing line! Now we wre ready to enjoy of the lovely afternoon.. we talk, tell jokes, zip mate and cheer at Agus when he finally catches a fish.
I may be in the middle of a difficult, long week, but I always know that the weekend is near, and that we´ll enjoy it in family.
Fourth year, then what?
Here I am. Finally the last year has come. Hopefully, in a couple of months I´ll be able to teach, but wii I really be able to teach?
During the last months many things have gone through my mind. I´m at a point where I constantly ask myself questions for which I don´t have the answers, like for example if I chose the right carreer, if my future students will learn something from me, if what I have learnt so far still remains in me, and so on...
Maybe what I feel is a mixture of fears. In the first place my biggest fear is not to be good enough at teaching. In the second place it also worries me not to find a job, and of course, then is the issue of the cruel competence at work!
I don´t know if experimenting this awful sensation is common, but I hate it. I doubt of each thing that I do and it gets worse in the classroom.
The strangest thing that has happened to me lately is that in class I have the strong sensation that I´m dreaming. Now I don´t know if this is so because of tiredness or because I´m all the time focused on what´s coming up soon. Every time I hear the words professionals, degree, or future I feel fear. I had tried to talk about this with my friends, but they are more exited than me about the end of this year. I know, and appreciate their intentions, but I guess I´m waiting for someone to tell me what I don´t dare to say, using the words that I don´t dare to use.
Whatever is the case, I hope it goes away qhickly. If there´s something I´m sure of in this life is my love for teaching.
During the last months many things have gone through my mind. I´m at a point where I constantly ask myself questions for which I don´t have the answers, like for example if I chose the right carreer, if my future students will learn something from me, if what I have learnt so far still remains in me, and so on...
Maybe what I feel is a mixture of fears. In the first place my biggest fear is not to be good enough at teaching. In the second place it also worries me not to find a job, and of course, then is the issue of the cruel competence at work!
I don´t know if experimenting this awful sensation is common, but I hate it. I doubt of each thing that I do and it gets worse in the classroom.
The strangest thing that has happened to me lately is that in class I have the strong sensation that I´m dreaming. Now I don´t know if this is so because of tiredness or because I´m all the time focused on what´s coming up soon. Every time I hear the words professionals, degree, or future I feel fear. I had tried to talk about this with my friends, but they are more exited than me about the end of this year. I know, and appreciate their intentions, but I guess I´m waiting for someone to tell me what I don´t dare to say, using the words that I don´t dare to use.
Whatever is the case, I hope it goes away qhickly. If there´s something I´m sure of in this life is my love for teaching.
Faces:
We look at faces everyday, at all times. I get on the bus and I see them. I get off, and there are some more. The streets are full of anonimous faces. Some are nice, and remind me of someone familiar. Some others just call my attention for no reason, but they make me company until they are gone from my eyes and replaced by new ones. I´m used to see faces, but when I saw yours, I saw something different. Your eyes were brown, wide open and with long eyelashes. Your mouth was a little open, and I think you were singing some melody. You were coming directly to where I was, and suddenly you saw me. I think you smiled and I simply got unable to keep on walking. I knew that you wanted me to move, but I couldn´t, I don´t know why. You put your hand softly on my arm and I reacted. As part of my apologise I smiled too, but I felt a blush on my face and I started to walk quickly, almost running.
I turned around just to see if by any chance you were still looking at me, but you weren´t. In fact, it took me a while to locate you again, this time lost in the middle of the crowd.
Then I understand that I had meant to you the same that all these unfamiliar faces mean to me everyday. I wish you knew that I haven´t forgotten you since. I wish you knew that you are not an anonimous face to me.
I turned around just to see if by any chance you were still looking at me, but you weren´t. In fact, it took me a while to locate you again, this time lost in the middle of the crowd.
Then I understand that I had meant to you the same that all these unfamiliar faces mean to me everyday. I wish you knew that I haven´t forgotten you since. I wish you knew that you are not an anonimous face to me.
Monday, 4 June 2007
Panic (also at the disco!)
Have you ever felt this? I have. I remember the first time I felt it. Five years ago my friends have decide to go out a lovely evening in Summer. The weather was great and I hadn´t seen them in a while, so I was unxious for our encounter. I got off the bus, trying to organize in my mind all the things I wanted to tell them. As I was walking I started to feel that my legs shaked. I smiled at first for that unusual sensation, but soon it became awful: Ididn´t have control of my body, and I thought that I would faint. I checked my hands and they were very palid, almost white. My heart beated fast, I could hardly breath and I had the impression that all the people in the streets had stopped to see me. I continued walking without knowing exactly where to, and when I got to where my friends were waiting, they looked at me and realized, without much that something wrong has going on. I stutterned an explanation and they helped me sit on a banch. After a couple of minutes it dissapeared and I felt better.
Since then, I have lived again this experience, and I figured out what was about only a couple of years ago.
My mom has asked me many times to describe to her what is it that I feel when I have a panic attack, and I say that I could summarize it in one word: panic. I feel the lost of reality, and the lost of control. Whenever I have this, I want to go home inmediately, ´cause I think that there I´ll be safe. I always tend to look for a familiar face that ´ll soothe me, but it never appears, and so I get worse.
I cannot still understand what is the reason of these attacks, that from time to time get quite severe. I cannot predict where or when or with who I´ll get the symptoms that I´m so afraid of. I can only assure that this problem has made my life more complicated and caotic. Most of the times I think it more than twice before saying “yes” to an invitation to go out. I´m afraid that I´ll have an attack at any moment, and that freakings me out.
Therapy hasn´t been of much help for the time being, but I hope that one day I´ll get rid of this desease that takes control of my life when it shows up. Living like this is not living at all, trust me.
Since then, I have lived again this experience, and I figured out what was about only a couple of years ago.
My mom has asked me many times to describe to her what is it that I feel when I have a panic attack, and I say that I could summarize it in one word: panic. I feel the lost of reality, and the lost of control. Whenever I have this, I want to go home inmediately, ´cause I think that there I´ll be safe. I always tend to look for a familiar face that ´ll soothe me, but it never appears, and so I get worse.
I cannot still understand what is the reason of these attacks, that from time to time get quite severe. I cannot predict where or when or with who I´ll get the symptoms that I´m so afraid of. I can only assure that this problem has made my life more complicated and caotic. Most of the times I think it more than twice before saying “yes” to an invitation to go out. I´m afraid that I´ll have an attack at any moment, and that freakings me out.
Therapy hasn´t been of much help for the time being, but I hope that one day I´ll get rid of this desease that takes control of my life when it shows up. Living like this is not living at all, trust me.
Last night:
Last night you approached to where I was and just by seeing you all my problems dissapeared. You brought with you a fresh air that stayed with me for hours.
Last night I saw you; you were standing in front of me, with that eternal smile on you: that charming and faithful smile that invites me to tell you anything, knowing that you´ll understand me, and that you wont judge me.
Last night we took a walk, but this time words weren´t necessary. At a point our fingers made contact accidentally and you looked at me. Witha soft gesture you told me it was allright and then you took my hand. I felt that I was in heaven. It was something so intense that I felt happiness for the first time in years. We continued walking a little more until we got to my place. Again, we didn´t say a word. We just looked at each other, helped by the light of a gorgeous moon which acted as witness and accomplise of our encounter.
I could have told you how much I love you, but instead I remained silent. I don´t know if I got scared or if I simply didn´t want to spoil such a magical moment. Last night I understood that there is someone in my life who makes me feel that nothing is impossible , and that happiness is asking to be admited again i want to let it
come in, but... Is this a worthtaking risk? No one can answer me that, of course, so I´ll just follow my instincts and see, ´cause only time´ll say, don´t you think so?
Last night I saw you; you were standing in front of me, with that eternal smile on you: that charming and faithful smile that invites me to tell you anything, knowing that you´ll understand me, and that you wont judge me.
Last night we took a walk, but this time words weren´t necessary. At a point our fingers made contact accidentally and you looked at me. Witha soft gesture you told me it was allright and then you took my hand. I felt that I was in heaven. It was something so intense that I felt happiness for the first time in years. We continued walking a little more until we got to my place. Again, we didn´t say a word. We just looked at each other, helped by the light of a gorgeous moon which acted as witness and accomplise of our encounter.
I could have told you how much I love you, but instead I remained silent. I don´t know if I got scared or if I simply didn´t want to spoil such a magical moment. Last night I understood that there is someone in my life who makes me feel that nothing is impossible , and that happiness is asking to be admited again i want to let it
come in, but... Is this a worthtaking risk? No one can answer me that, of course, so I´ll just follow my instincts and see, ´cause only time´ll say, don´t you think so?
Home:
There are some material things that I miss from past times, but the one that Imostly miss is my home. Because of economical reasons my family decided that the best thing to do was to rent it and so we did. The people who are living there are very nice and have made some great improvements to the house, but that doesn´t make me feel better. My home has witnessed happy celebrations that brought joy and laugh to the house. In the same way, it has also lived together with us the many defeats that as a family we have under gone.
I always think of my bedroom and all the secrets it hides. That “sanctuary” saw the changes that took place in my life
There I cried for nights thinking of the boy I loved, or of that failure in my exam. In my bedroom I discovered the music that now I simply cannot live without and how it was assimiliated by the walls: first, posters of the Backstreet Boys ( shame on me!!!) which were changed later on by lyrics from The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Foo Fighters and Nirvana, just to name a couple. One image that strongely remains in my memory is of me and my mom, zipping mate on the floor while we wachted chapters of “El Chavo”. It was in my bedroom that my first niece gave her first steps, with a lovely smile and big, bright eyes.
I also miss my privacy, something that I don´t have at my actual house. if I wanted to be alone for a while I just had to close the door, so as to let my family know that I needed my own space. I think that if I had known that some day I would have to leave my house I would have taken more advantage of all the moments that I lived there. I know that we´ll be able to come again in any moment, but I have lived many intense things these last years, and it would have been nice to live them at home. At my home. At the place where I feel that I should be.
I don´t mean to be ungretful with this new house, that in fact doesn´t have anything of new, for it´s the house of the family ( the big family). The thing is that, even when I get on well with all the ones who live here, I feel out of place most of the time, and that brings sadness.
I´m looking forward to come home and to have a more normal life in it. I cannot talk about this with anyone, not even with my mom, ´cause I don´t want her to worry, besides, this money we get monthly has given us the opportunity to solve many problems we had, but I can´t help feeling incomplete. I really miss home.
I always think of my bedroom and all the secrets it hides. That “sanctuary” saw the changes that took place in my life
There I cried for nights thinking of the boy I loved, or of that failure in my exam. In my bedroom I discovered the music that now I simply cannot live without and how it was assimiliated by the walls: first, posters of the Backstreet Boys ( shame on me!!!) which were changed later on by lyrics from The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Foo Fighters and Nirvana, just to name a couple. One image that strongely remains in my memory is of me and my mom, zipping mate on the floor while we wachted chapters of “El Chavo”. It was in my bedroom that my first niece gave her first steps, with a lovely smile and big, bright eyes.
I also miss my privacy, something that I don´t have at my actual house. if I wanted to be alone for a while I just had to close the door, so as to let my family know that I needed my own space. I think that if I had known that some day I would have to leave my house I would have taken more advantage of all the moments that I lived there. I know that we´ll be able to come again in any moment, but I have lived many intense things these last years, and it would have been nice to live them at home. At my home. At the place where I feel that I should be.
I don´t mean to be ungretful with this new house, that in fact doesn´t have anything of new, for it´s the house of the family ( the big family). The thing is that, even when I get on well with all the ones who live here, I feel out of place most of the time, and that brings sadness.
I´m looking forward to come home and to have a more normal life in it. I cannot talk about this with anyone, not even with my mom, ´cause I don´t want her to worry, besides, this money we get monthly has given us the opportunity to solve many problems we had, but I can´t help feeling incomplete. I really miss home.
Dad´s letter:
Rebecca had had a bad night. She had dreamed again with that house that frightened her so much, so when she woke up she realized that something bad would happen that day. It was palpable in the air. She went to the kitchen and while she was zipping some coffee, the bell rang. In the mail box, there was a white envelope with her name on it. Now, in other circumstances she would have waited a couple of days to read it, but this time a gut feeling told her to open it inmediately. It was from her father. Rebecca and Daniel ( as she used to call him) had always had a difficult relationship, and for the last three years they haven´t spoken to each other.
The girl sat, made a long and loudly zip of the black drink and started to read. The letter said the following:
“Becca, I don´t know where to start. If you could know that i´ ve been sitting in front of the paper for more tan an hour, just staring ant your name: that beautiful name thot i chose for you when your mom was delivering you. I loved you since the moment your mom told me that a new life was coming to the family. We knew tot you were the last one, so i said to my self that, I´ d take care of you as I hadn´t done it with your brothers. But I was wrong ´cause you were tough, so tough!.
Do you remember that time when we saw the fire works for Christmas ? your brothers were crying and begged me to carry them. And, then I felt a little hand looking for mine: it was you, delighted with the beautiful lights.
I always thought that there´d be a point when you´d fall. It´s not that I wanted you to need me, my child. Maybe that´s the reason why I was so agressive to you; ´cause I hoped to see you cry. You may be thinking what a jurk has my old man been, and probably you´re right. I never understood how to be a good father and I hoped I could learn with you, that you´d teach me how to but I guess you never needed me after all. That´s why I left. I couldn´t help feeling useless all the time. I know that we haven´t spoken in a long while, but I tried. You have to belive me I tried. Now it´s just too late.my life is coming to its end and even though there´s nothing I can do to stop the time I lost, I wrote these words from my heart, just to let you know that I´ve always loved you. Trust me when I said this.
Since the moment I left home there hasn´t been a day in which I didn´t feel regrets for what I did and what I didn´t. I only hope that you can forgiuve your silly old man one day. I prey for that, my little Becca.
Love,
Dad.”
Rebecca read the last lines and by that time her face had adopted a deep expression of sadness and remorse. It took her some minutes to get the strength to look for some paper and a pen. She wrote “Daddy” at the top of the page and her eyes got full of tears. The woman did nothing to stop them and remained in silence, starring at the word she had written for a long while...
The girl sat, made a long and loudly zip of the black drink and started to read. The letter said the following:
“Becca, I don´t know where to start. If you could know that i´ ve been sitting in front of the paper for more tan an hour, just staring ant your name: that beautiful name thot i chose for you when your mom was delivering you. I loved you since the moment your mom told me that a new life was coming to the family. We knew tot you were the last one, so i said to my self that, I´ d take care of you as I hadn´t done it with your brothers. But I was wrong ´cause you were tough, so tough!.
Do you remember that time when we saw the fire works for Christmas ? your brothers were crying and begged me to carry them. And, then I felt a little hand looking for mine: it was you, delighted with the beautiful lights.
I always thought that there´d be a point when you´d fall. It´s not that I wanted you to need me, my child. Maybe that´s the reason why I was so agressive to you; ´cause I hoped to see you cry. You may be thinking what a jurk has my old man been, and probably you´re right. I never understood how to be a good father and I hoped I could learn with you, that you´d teach me how to but I guess you never needed me after all. That´s why I left. I couldn´t help feeling useless all the time. I know that we haven´t spoken in a long while, but I tried. You have to belive me I tried. Now it´s just too late.my life is coming to its end and even though there´s nothing I can do to stop the time I lost, I wrote these words from my heart, just to let you know that I´ve always loved you. Trust me when I said this.
Since the moment I left home there hasn´t been a day in which I didn´t feel regrets for what I did and what I didn´t. I only hope that you can forgiuve your silly old man one day. I prey for that, my little Becca.
Love,
Dad.”
Rebecca read the last lines and by that time her face had adopted a deep expression of sadness and remorse. It took her some minutes to get the strength to look for some paper and a pen. She wrote “Daddy” at the top of the page and her eyes got full of tears. The woman did nothing to stop them and remained in silence, starring at the word she had written for a long while...
Camile:
The black car approached slowly to the main entrance. The engine stopped and the night captured that last sound to make it dissapear quickly. Camile got off and started to walk. Her steps were short and heavy. After a while she got to the place. In front of her, just a graveyard and a gravestone with the name of a man: Neil Johnson, it said; nothing else.
The young woman, who had stayed calm, suddenly lost control. Her fists were very closed and tears started to go down her palid face. Finally, she began to speak: “ He always lied. From the very first moment he saw me, he decided to make af lyeing a whole art. From the simple, everyday things to the most complex ones he never said the truth. He was delighted by seeing my misery, and yet I loved him! God, how could I´ve been so blind to believe in him?
I knew you were hurting me. I knew I was in constant suffering, but I let and helped you destroy me. You took everything I had and turned it into pieces just to save yourself. You did that disgusnting thing only to prove me that you were tougher, didn´t you? Miserable pig, you took my youth and my dreams. I don´t feel anything now. My existance is sosteined only because of my mechanical breathing and a damm heart that keeps on beating. Why did you hurt me that way? I loved you, I lived through you for years and now that you are finally gone, I just don´t know how to do it without you. All these years I only begged for you to dissapear, but I guess I never realized that my life was embraced by yours.
Anyway it´s all over now. I´ve come here to tell you that I´ll go on. I don´t know how, but I´ll find the strength to live again. I refuse to live in the past any longer. So please, please, let me alone. Go off my dreams, go off my nightmares. I gave you everything I had and more. So please, if you ever felt something for me, let me go. I need to start over on my own. I don´t need you anymore, so goodbye. This is the last time I visit you and I hope you do the same. Bye”.
Camile turned around, whiped her tears and left. She walked slowly again, but now with a different feeling. She had to live again. She had to be back in life.
The young woman, who had stayed calm, suddenly lost control. Her fists were very closed and tears started to go down her palid face. Finally, she began to speak: “ He always lied. From the very first moment he saw me, he decided to make af lyeing a whole art. From the simple, everyday things to the most complex ones he never said the truth. He was delighted by seeing my misery, and yet I loved him! God, how could I´ve been so blind to believe in him?
I knew you were hurting me. I knew I was in constant suffering, but I let and helped you destroy me. You took everything I had and turned it into pieces just to save yourself. You did that disgusnting thing only to prove me that you were tougher, didn´t you? Miserable pig, you took my youth and my dreams. I don´t feel anything now. My existance is sosteined only because of my mechanical breathing and a damm heart that keeps on beating. Why did you hurt me that way? I loved you, I lived through you for years and now that you are finally gone, I just don´t know how to do it without you. All these years I only begged for you to dissapear, but I guess I never realized that my life was embraced by yours.
Anyway it´s all over now. I´ve come here to tell you that I´ll go on. I don´t know how, but I´ll find the strength to live again. I refuse to live in the past any longer. So please, please, let me alone. Go off my dreams, go off my nightmares. I gave you everything I had and more. So please, if you ever felt something for me, let me go. I need to start over on my own. I don´t need you anymore, so goodbye. This is the last time I visit you and I hope you do the same. Bye”.
Camile turned around, whiped her tears and left. She walked slowly again, but now with a different feeling. She had to live again. She had to be back in life.
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