Sunday afternoon. The most depressing moment of the week. Awhole weekend that hasn`t been "used" properly. A whole week to come full of tedious duties: school, work, housework, and the list goes on.
Sunday afternoon. Fricking thoughts that want you to chase them. You just can`t stop thinking, and yet that you would be uncapable of expressing even one of them clearly.
Sunday afternoon. People coming and going in a hurry, as usual. Everybody has something to do. And they talk. The house is the shelter where all those familiar, known voices (their voices) get lost in echoing sounds. No one listens. It doesn`t matter anyway. All the important things have been already said.
Sunday afternoon. Suddenly you wonder: what would be your friends doing right now?; would they also be feeling as blue as you do? There is wind outside. You would go out to feel it in your face, but you are afraid that someone might notice you are here, and then you would have to listen to things that frankly you are not interested at. You should stay here. What is the first thing that comes to your mind at this moment? Different thoughts, all tied up. Try an image. A tree. A majestous tree that has lost all its leaves. Children have climbed it so many times and now it`s ruined. When you think more carefully about it, you fell a little bit like that tree. Someone took away tour youth before time, your strenght and no remains are good enough to start over.
Sunday afternoon. Back to reality. Again, people, voices, and a strong sensation: tears come down your cheeks and you can`t stop them. It would be great to let them be, but someone approaches. You are drawning inside, crying and screaming so loud and so hard, that your throat hurts. But you wipe your face, smile and get ready to show and sell that fake image that everybody buys. Hear that? The tree has just broken down.
Monday, 30 June 2008
Thoughts
Ther is a big tree from where I can see. I can see everything I want: yellow, happy faces; blue, sad faces; long and short hair; jewellry. I see what the others can`t. I`m invisible and no one realizes. Nobody notices me and that`s good. It`s nice to be a ghost. I think all the time. Think of the past, of the things I should have done. I think of the future and I can see the black clouds that approach dangerously. I don`t want them to touch me, but I know they will, eventualy. At some point, they`ll get me, and by then it won`t matter matter how much I scream and ask for help. It`s useless anyway. Ghosts can`t talk and they can`t be heard. The world will be the same though. Nothing will change. Nobody will know that a ghost is no longer here. and that tree will loose enough leaves to get the attention of another ghost. He will know what to do. He will have the chance that this one never had. And the flowers will be so bright, and the people will be so happy, and shiny and transparent. The day that single ghost comes to that tree, the whole world will be better, and that`s why I`m asking, begging you, don`t force things. Go away and I`ll show you, in the distance, the many good things that are there, hidden from the rest. Everywhere. Please,go. Just leave, and I`ll find you. I promise you I will. I`ll know where you are. I`ll see you again some day. And when I do, I`ll have the courage to demonstrate you that there was something good on me. After all, I`m just a ghost, am I not?
Speaking of terrible days!
Monday. The worst day of the week. I wake up on my own just to find out that I`m late, `cause during the night the alarm clock was unplugged. I get up as soon as I realize what day is it. 7.03. I still have time. While I`m getting dressed, I draw a mental picture of all the things I need to carry with me: keys, bus ticket, money, watch. I can`t find the bus ticket. I know I had it on my hand just a minute ago. Where is it, for Crhist`s sake? Oh, it`s on the table. I see my puppies and I understand that I must feed them before I leave. I go out with their food, and I see with horror that they have had fun tearing down the today`s newspaper. Bad puppies! My mom`s gonna kill me! OK. Another thing to remember: buy a newspaper. Finally I leave home, and as I`m getting to the bus stop, the fricking bus comes along, completely empty (!) That`s all right, I say to myself. The next one will be here in just 25`... Every single person of my neighbourhood gets on. 7.59. It also seems like the bus driver (who is always on a hurry) has decided today to slow down, and drives as if he was driving the train of the fun fair! At this point I`m hysterical. Oh no! The boy I secretely love has just gotten on. Why is this happening to me? Iget so stupid when he is around... 8.20. Almost getting there. I get of, and I start walking relieved, `cause I still have a chance to be on time. One, two, three steps and I notice something strange. No. Yes. No. Yes! My left shoe has just broken (%&/··$"!!·$%··&&()=) This means swearing. Never mind, I still can do it. Of course, it will take me an hour to walk with that damn shoe, but everything is possible. I get to the place (water!). I`m supposed to look for a person. Her name? I don`t remember it, but what`s the problem? I know exactly where to find her. What? She`s absent? You mean, she didn`t come? Oh. Oh! ($%$&/()=&%$··%&%/(/&%$%) A little bit more of dirty language, suitable for this ocassion. I`ll go home, then. Five more blocks, walking with a shoe that I`m already thinking about throwing to the garbage, and that`ll be it. The time: what do I fricking care about the time? I just wanna get home.
I`m at the bus stop now. Great! A gigantic bee is on my shoulder! Don`t you know, you little maniac that I`m alergic to your poison?Get out, go and disturb somewhere else. Ok, it`s gone. Brilliant, the bus is coming (crowded, of course!). Home, finally! First question of my mom: how did it go? No answer. Second question: what happened to the newspaper? No answer either. I dare to look at the clock. 9.15. I still have to survive almost 15 more hours of this Monday. I hate Mondays, I really do!
* All the events described above are real. Ì know, it`s impossible that someone can have such a bad luck, but it`s real, believe me.
I`m at the bus stop now. Great! A gigantic bee is on my shoulder! Don`t you know, you little maniac that I`m alergic to your poison?Get out, go and disturb somewhere else. Ok, it`s gone. Brilliant, the bus is coming (crowded, of course!). Home, finally! First question of my mom: how did it go? No answer. Second question: what happened to the newspaper? No answer either. I dare to look at the clock. 9.15. I still have to survive almost 15 more hours of this Monday. I hate Mondays, I really do!
* All the events described above are real. Ì know, it`s impossible that someone can have such a bad luck, but it`s real, believe me.
Monday, 12 May 2008
apologise
hi everyone!I`m back, finally. Now that I`ve got Internet at home, I`ll be INVINCIBLE... just kidding! The truth is that I hadn`t seen my blog since last year and reading what I`ve written so far is quite depressing, to say the least. Last year I was so down that I simply gave up to everything that mattered to me: getting my degree, my teaching practice, doing something for myself, none of that seemed important any longer. I even pushed away my family and my friends, the people that I love the most and who care about me, well, I felt like they were sofocating me, but that wasn`t real. Actually, they were trying to help me and I just couldn`t see that. The pain was so real that all I was focused on was on avoiding people and everyday situations. I was too blind and selfish to notice that help was being delivered constantly.
Instead, I chose to run away, `cause that was the easiest thing to do at the moment. This year I decided to look for professional help, but then I quit (it wouldn`t be me, if not!) It took me just one session to notice that it would be too painful, and I thought that it wasn`t worthtrying. Don`t tell: I screwed it up, didn`t I?
Right now I`m back at school, trying to finish what I`ve started and what meant so much effort. I guess it`s just a matter of time `till I get that "you are such a loser" thing, but I have to go on. Frankly? I don`t feel like. Anyway, if I don`t do it for myself, then I should at least do it for all the people that have always encouraged me. And for those great friends (Kritox, Mariam , Rachel-woman and Monique, among others, I`M SO SORRY, GUYS! Really, I mean it. I blew it up, I know. But my other half is decided to kill me. Don`t worry, though.I`ll go on, I know that.
Instead, I chose to run away, `cause that was the easiest thing to do at the moment. This year I decided to look for professional help, but then I quit (it wouldn`t be me, if not!) It took me just one session to notice that it would be too painful, and I thought that it wasn`t worthtrying. Don`t tell: I screwed it up, didn`t I?
Right now I`m back at school, trying to finish what I`ve started and what meant so much effort. I guess it`s just a matter of time `till I get that "you are such a loser" thing, but I have to go on. Frankly? I don`t feel like. Anyway, if I don`t do it for myself, then I should at least do it for all the people that have always encouraged me. And for those great friends (Kritox, Mariam , Rachel-woman and Monique, among others, I`M SO SORRY, GUYS! Really, I mean it. I blew it up, I know. But my other half is decided to kill me. Don`t worry, though.I`ll go on, I know that.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Personal Reaction:
“Feeding our students at school is all right, but let`s also teach them so that tomorrow they`ll be able to feed by themselves”. This is one of the quotations that mostly shocked me in the lecture that Doctor Guillermo Jaim Etcheverry gave on Tuesday night. I have to admit that before that presentation I didn`t know anything about him and his work, and yet, the lecture was available for people of all ages, cultural and economical groups. I think that everybody could easily follow his ideas and comments.
As I see it, the use of a story that, just by imaginating is funny and nonsense, was a great way to open his speach. Doctor Etcheverry talked about different aspects of a same problem, and in many ocassions he made the public realize of the bitter reality that we face and, what`s worse, are used to.
Another thing that I really liked were the implementation of studies and their results. When he mentioned them, he didn`t used fancy words, or gave extra information that could make someone get lost. On the contrary, there was also a kind of a summary to simplify what he wanted to say.
Regarding his ideas, I agree with most of them, but I also think that it`s really difficult to apply the traditional methods in order to teach, because, by doing this, we put ourselves against a whole system that doesn`t have the slightlest conviction of doing so. Anyway, that`s the only aspect of his lecture that I found naive and quite difficult to achieve.
The rest of his ideas, though, made me opened my eyes constantly. While I was there I couldn`t help thinking of my 15 year-old niece,who needs me to “explain” to her in a simple language what her zodiac sign is about. That really frightened me. The good news is that Etcheverry gave the audience some tools that, for the time being, I`m eager to apply to my young family members.
As I see it, the use of a story that, just by imaginating is funny and nonsense, was a great way to open his speach. Doctor Etcheverry talked about different aspects of a same problem, and in many ocassions he made the public realize of the bitter reality that we face and, what`s worse, are used to.
Another thing that I really liked were the implementation of studies and their results. When he mentioned them, he didn`t used fancy words, or gave extra information that could make someone get lost. On the contrary, there was also a kind of a summary to simplify what he wanted to say.
Regarding his ideas, I agree with most of them, but I also think that it`s really difficult to apply the traditional methods in order to teach, because, by doing this, we put ourselves against a whole system that doesn`t have the slightlest conviction of doing so. Anyway, that`s the only aspect of his lecture that I found naive and quite difficult to achieve.
The rest of his ideas, though, made me opened my eyes constantly. While I was there I couldn`t help thinking of my 15 year-old niece,who needs me to “explain” to her in a simple language what her zodiac sign is about. That really frightened me. The good news is that Etcheverry gave the audience some tools that, for the time being, I`m eager to apply to my young family members.
Little brother:
I`ve been thinking a lot about you these days. Lots of memories come to me full of images of both of us. Do you remember those times? We used to play instead of taking a nap. I would tell you silly jokes and you would laugh with heart and soul. Those were magical times, in which I was your heroine, your friend, your partner of adventures. We were inseparable, remember? But then we grew up, and everything got cold and distant. We went through some difficult situations at different levels. I know that the death of our loved aunt stroke and affected you in a way that changed you completely. We were supossed to be together, but we failed at that so much! I know that I should have been there to protect you and tell you that everything would be all right, but instead, I was only worried about mom. I devoted all my time and energy in trying to pull her out of that hole in which she had fallen, and I forgot about you. On top of that, you weren`t helpful either: your actions dissapointed us and we felt that you abbandoned us just when we needed you the most. Inside me, a strong feeling of remorse against you made me change my attitude towards you.
Suddenly, time flew, and all the time I thought I would have to make things better was gone. You are a 22 year-old man, who have changed for good in many aspects but in others not. I wish you were closer to me and mom. We need of your support, and I personaly need of you as my brother. I know for a fact that we`ll never be best friends, and that`s ok with me, but if we could change, if we were just a little bit more flexible with each other...
Yesterday, when I was at home alone, I was thinking of you when the idea that you might hate me made me cry with actual pain in my heart. I know that one of the things that you dislike the most about me is how serious and annoying I can be regarding the housework and other issues. I`m sorry I`m such a pain in the ass, but I can`t help it. You and I see everything with different eyes.
Many times I see you and I have the need to hug you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I`m lack of courage, and I simply stay there.
I really wish things were different between us. If only you knew how much I need you. I wonder, is there still any hope for us? Only God knows.
I wrote these lines perfectly knowing that my brother won`t read them, but I did it anyway `cause I wanted to share all this that I feel with someone.
Suddenly, time flew, and all the time I thought I would have to make things better was gone. You are a 22 year-old man, who have changed for good in many aspects but in others not. I wish you were closer to me and mom. We need of your support, and I personaly need of you as my brother. I know for a fact that we`ll never be best friends, and that`s ok with me, but if we could change, if we were just a little bit more flexible with each other...
Yesterday, when I was at home alone, I was thinking of you when the idea that you might hate me made me cry with actual pain in my heart. I know that one of the things that you dislike the most about me is how serious and annoying I can be regarding the housework and other issues. I`m sorry I`m such a pain in the ass, but I can`t help it. You and I see everything with different eyes.
Many times I see you and I have the need to hug you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I`m lack of courage, and I simply stay there.
I really wish things were different between us. If only you knew how much I need you. I wonder, is there still any hope for us? Only God knows.
I wrote these lines perfectly knowing that my brother won`t read them, but I did it anyway `cause I wanted to share all this that I feel with someone.
Complicated people:
There is a kind of person that scares me. The person who mistreats others, just to feel themselves strong, or intelligent, or superior. People like that make me feel so insecure and weak, that I just try to escape. I`m not interesting in hanging out with people who find shouting at someone amusing. Humilliating others make them believe they are special characters that can`t be judged by anyone, simply because no one will dare... poor little things that go through life lost, inmersed in their own fears and myseries, unable to trust in the person next to them.
All of us have bad days and rough periods, and nobody can say that he/she had successfully avoided them, but there is a huge difference between an isolated situation like that, and making of it a whole habit!
Another thing that I hate is having to comfront them (as a matter of fact, I don`t do it at all, I just run!). In case I don`t have other choice but to stand in front of them, there is always a terrible scenario in my head: I`m very little –almost an insect- and my counterpart huge, monumental, scaring, about to eat me... all I can think of is how long will that torture take, until the “master” decides that he/she is done with me and asks for the next victim. I know what you are thinking and you are right: I have a serious problem with those people.
I wonder, is there any solution for a person like that? What is it that gives them so much power anyway? Is it their position at work or their experience in life that alouds them to behave in that horrible way? Maybe they just do it for the sake of turning other people`s life into a living hell. Well, whatever the secret element is, let`s take it away from them, for they are dangerous. Seriously, the only objective in life of people like these is to to ruin our existance. Let`s get together and do something, for Christ`s sake!
All of us have bad days and rough periods, and nobody can say that he/she had successfully avoided them, but there is a huge difference between an isolated situation like that, and making of it a whole habit!
Another thing that I hate is having to comfront them (as a matter of fact, I don`t do it at all, I just run!). In case I don`t have other choice but to stand in front of them, there is always a terrible scenario in my head: I`m very little –almost an insect- and my counterpart huge, monumental, scaring, about to eat me... all I can think of is how long will that torture take, until the “master” decides that he/she is done with me and asks for the next victim. I know what you are thinking and you are right: I have a serious problem with those people.
I wonder, is there any solution for a person like that? What is it that gives them so much power anyway? Is it their position at work or their experience in life that alouds them to behave in that horrible way? Maybe they just do it for the sake of turning other people`s life into a living hell. Well, whatever the secret element is, let`s take it away from them, for they are dangerous. Seriously, the only objective in life of people like these is to to ruin our existance. Let`s get together and do something, for Christ`s sake!
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