hi everyone!I`m back, finally. Now that I`ve got Internet at home, I`ll be INVINCIBLE... just kidding! The truth is that I hadn`t seen my blog since last year and reading what I`ve written so far is quite depressing, to say the least. Last year I was so down that I simply gave up to everything that mattered to me: getting my degree, my teaching practice, doing something for myself, none of that seemed important any longer. I even pushed away my family and my friends, the people that I love the most and who care about me, well, I felt like they were sofocating me, but that wasn`t real. Actually, they were trying to help me and I just couldn`t see that. The pain was so real that all I was focused on was on avoiding people and everyday situations. I was too blind and selfish to notice that help was being delivered constantly.
Instead, I chose to run away, `cause that was the easiest thing to do at the moment. This year I decided to look for professional help, but then I quit (it wouldn`t be me, if not!) It took me just one session to notice that it would be too painful, and I thought that it wasn`t worthtrying. Don`t tell: I screwed it up, didn`t I?
Right now I`m back at school, trying to finish what I`ve started and what meant so much effort. I guess it`s just a matter of time `till I get that "you are such a loser" thing, but I have to go on. Frankly? I don`t feel like. Anyway, if I don`t do it for myself, then I should at least do it for all the people that have always encouraged me. And for those great friends (Kritox, Mariam , Rachel-woman and Monique, among others, I`M SO SORRY, GUYS! Really, I mean it. I blew it up, I know. But my other half is decided to kill me. Don`t worry, though.I`ll go on, I know that.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Personal Reaction:
“Feeding our students at school is all right, but let`s also teach them so that tomorrow they`ll be able to feed by themselves”. This is one of the quotations that mostly shocked me in the lecture that Doctor Guillermo Jaim Etcheverry gave on Tuesday night. I have to admit that before that presentation I didn`t know anything about him and his work, and yet, the lecture was available for people of all ages, cultural and economical groups. I think that everybody could easily follow his ideas and comments.
As I see it, the use of a story that, just by imaginating is funny and nonsense, was a great way to open his speach. Doctor Etcheverry talked about different aspects of a same problem, and in many ocassions he made the public realize of the bitter reality that we face and, what`s worse, are used to.
Another thing that I really liked were the implementation of studies and their results. When he mentioned them, he didn`t used fancy words, or gave extra information that could make someone get lost. On the contrary, there was also a kind of a summary to simplify what he wanted to say.
Regarding his ideas, I agree with most of them, but I also think that it`s really difficult to apply the traditional methods in order to teach, because, by doing this, we put ourselves against a whole system that doesn`t have the slightlest conviction of doing so. Anyway, that`s the only aspect of his lecture that I found naive and quite difficult to achieve.
The rest of his ideas, though, made me opened my eyes constantly. While I was there I couldn`t help thinking of my 15 year-old niece,who needs me to “explain” to her in a simple language what her zodiac sign is about. That really frightened me. The good news is that Etcheverry gave the audience some tools that, for the time being, I`m eager to apply to my young family members.
As I see it, the use of a story that, just by imaginating is funny and nonsense, was a great way to open his speach. Doctor Etcheverry talked about different aspects of a same problem, and in many ocassions he made the public realize of the bitter reality that we face and, what`s worse, are used to.
Another thing that I really liked were the implementation of studies and their results. When he mentioned them, he didn`t used fancy words, or gave extra information that could make someone get lost. On the contrary, there was also a kind of a summary to simplify what he wanted to say.
Regarding his ideas, I agree with most of them, but I also think that it`s really difficult to apply the traditional methods in order to teach, because, by doing this, we put ourselves against a whole system that doesn`t have the slightlest conviction of doing so. Anyway, that`s the only aspect of his lecture that I found naive and quite difficult to achieve.
The rest of his ideas, though, made me opened my eyes constantly. While I was there I couldn`t help thinking of my 15 year-old niece,who needs me to “explain” to her in a simple language what her zodiac sign is about. That really frightened me. The good news is that Etcheverry gave the audience some tools that, for the time being, I`m eager to apply to my young family members.
Little brother:
I`ve been thinking a lot about you these days. Lots of memories come to me full of images of both of us. Do you remember those times? We used to play instead of taking a nap. I would tell you silly jokes and you would laugh with heart and soul. Those were magical times, in which I was your heroine, your friend, your partner of adventures. We were inseparable, remember? But then we grew up, and everything got cold and distant. We went through some difficult situations at different levels. I know that the death of our loved aunt stroke and affected you in a way that changed you completely. We were supossed to be together, but we failed at that so much! I know that I should have been there to protect you and tell you that everything would be all right, but instead, I was only worried about mom. I devoted all my time and energy in trying to pull her out of that hole in which she had fallen, and I forgot about you. On top of that, you weren`t helpful either: your actions dissapointed us and we felt that you abbandoned us just when we needed you the most. Inside me, a strong feeling of remorse against you made me change my attitude towards you.
Suddenly, time flew, and all the time I thought I would have to make things better was gone. You are a 22 year-old man, who have changed for good in many aspects but in others not. I wish you were closer to me and mom. We need of your support, and I personaly need of you as my brother. I know for a fact that we`ll never be best friends, and that`s ok with me, but if we could change, if we were just a little bit more flexible with each other...
Yesterday, when I was at home alone, I was thinking of you when the idea that you might hate me made me cry with actual pain in my heart. I know that one of the things that you dislike the most about me is how serious and annoying I can be regarding the housework and other issues. I`m sorry I`m such a pain in the ass, but I can`t help it. You and I see everything with different eyes.
Many times I see you and I have the need to hug you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I`m lack of courage, and I simply stay there.
I really wish things were different between us. If only you knew how much I need you. I wonder, is there still any hope for us? Only God knows.
I wrote these lines perfectly knowing that my brother won`t read them, but I did it anyway `cause I wanted to share all this that I feel with someone.
Suddenly, time flew, and all the time I thought I would have to make things better was gone. You are a 22 year-old man, who have changed for good in many aspects but in others not. I wish you were closer to me and mom. We need of your support, and I personaly need of you as my brother. I know for a fact that we`ll never be best friends, and that`s ok with me, but if we could change, if we were just a little bit more flexible with each other...
Yesterday, when I was at home alone, I was thinking of you when the idea that you might hate me made me cry with actual pain in my heart. I know that one of the things that you dislike the most about me is how serious and annoying I can be regarding the housework and other issues. I`m sorry I`m such a pain in the ass, but I can`t help it. You and I see everything with different eyes.
Many times I see you and I have the need to hug you and tell you how much you mean to me, but I`m lack of courage, and I simply stay there.
I really wish things were different between us. If only you knew how much I need you. I wonder, is there still any hope for us? Only God knows.
I wrote these lines perfectly knowing that my brother won`t read them, but I did it anyway `cause I wanted to share all this that I feel with someone.
Complicated people:
There is a kind of person that scares me. The person who mistreats others, just to feel themselves strong, or intelligent, or superior. People like that make me feel so insecure and weak, that I just try to escape. I`m not interesting in hanging out with people who find shouting at someone amusing. Humilliating others make them believe they are special characters that can`t be judged by anyone, simply because no one will dare... poor little things that go through life lost, inmersed in their own fears and myseries, unable to trust in the person next to them.
All of us have bad days and rough periods, and nobody can say that he/she had successfully avoided them, but there is a huge difference between an isolated situation like that, and making of it a whole habit!
Another thing that I hate is having to comfront them (as a matter of fact, I don`t do it at all, I just run!). In case I don`t have other choice but to stand in front of them, there is always a terrible scenario in my head: I`m very little –almost an insect- and my counterpart huge, monumental, scaring, about to eat me... all I can think of is how long will that torture take, until the “master” decides that he/she is done with me and asks for the next victim. I know what you are thinking and you are right: I have a serious problem with those people.
I wonder, is there any solution for a person like that? What is it that gives them so much power anyway? Is it their position at work or their experience in life that alouds them to behave in that horrible way? Maybe they just do it for the sake of turning other people`s life into a living hell. Well, whatever the secret element is, let`s take it away from them, for they are dangerous. Seriously, the only objective in life of people like these is to to ruin our existance. Let`s get together and do something, for Christ`s sake!
All of us have bad days and rough periods, and nobody can say that he/she had successfully avoided them, but there is a huge difference between an isolated situation like that, and making of it a whole habit!
Another thing that I hate is having to comfront them (as a matter of fact, I don`t do it at all, I just run!). In case I don`t have other choice but to stand in front of them, there is always a terrible scenario in my head: I`m very little –almost an insect- and my counterpart huge, monumental, scaring, about to eat me... all I can think of is how long will that torture take, until the “master” decides that he/she is done with me and asks for the next victim. I know what you are thinking and you are right: I have a serious problem with those people.
I wonder, is there any solution for a person like that? What is it that gives them so much power anyway? Is it their position at work or their experience in life that alouds them to behave in that horrible way? Maybe they just do it for the sake of turning other people`s life into a living hell. Well, whatever the secret element is, let`s take it away from them, for they are dangerous. Seriously, the only objective in life of people like these is to to ruin our existance. Let`s get together and do something, for Christ`s sake!
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
future in the past:
the other night Iwas listening to my old but loved CD´s when I found one by No Doubt.
I played it and my voice could easily follow the lyrics. thanks to that, I could infer that my memory still works.
one of the songs in the album is called "simple kind of life". it talks about the regrets that singer experiments after a broke up. there is an interesting line there that says: "if we met tomorrow for the very first time, would it start all over again?, would I try to make you mine?"
I kept thinking on that line, and its content. then I sat in silence and I tried to focused on the words. then I arrive to a conclusion: leaving the romantic perspective aside (whici I´m not interested in, today), the issue for me could be: given tha chance to know and see the future, what would be our attitude like?
I mean, day after day we complain of our lives and the pathetic way we live them. how many times have we wished to be able to see the future in order to avoid making mistakes that hurt us and others so much? life would be really easier if we had that precious advantage. but wuold it be better?
the answer is, of course, not only personal but also subjective. on many ocassions the results wolud be so different with that slight but crucial power.
however, there are other times, when it´s nice to see and live every new day as a complete ignorant, finding new paths in the map of life; recognizing new faces among thousands of them; exploring new possibilities in this game called life that can be as safe as dangerous.
I played it and my voice could easily follow the lyrics. thanks to that, I could infer that my memory still works.
one of the songs in the album is called "simple kind of life". it talks about the regrets that singer experiments after a broke up. there is an interesting line there that says: "if we met tomorrow for the very first time, would it start all over again?, would I try to make you mine?"
I kept thinking on that line, and its content. then I sat in silence and I tried to focused on the words. then I arrive to a conclusion: leaving the romantic perspective aside (whici I´m not interested in, today), the issue for me could be: given tha chance to know and see the future, what would be our attitude like?
I mean, day after day we complain of our lives and the pathetic way we live them. how many times have we wished to be able to see the future in order to avoid making mistakes that hurt us and others so much? life would be really easier if we had that precious advantage. but wuold it be better?
the answer is, of course, not only personal but also subjective. on many ocassions the results wolud be so different with that slight but crucial power.
however, there are other times, when it´s nice to see and live every new day as a complete ignorant, finding new paths in the map of life; recognizing new faces among thousands of them; exploring new possibilities in this game called life that can be as safe as dangerous.
winter break
every time we come back from holidays is that question: "did you enjoy your holidays?". and always the same honest and direct answer: " at least I´ve survived!"
since I can remember, holidays have always been a problem to me I suppose it has to do with all tha extra (too much?) free time that I have, and which I haven´t learnt to deal with.
however, these last holidays have been completely different. I was able to organize my life in a productive way. therefore, I could go on with thew daily house chores (that will never, ever end, by the way), my teaching practice (an amazing experience), and I had time to think.
the good news is that I didn´t think in the same destructive way that I always do: this time I made a supreme and worthtaking effort and, to my delight, I found out that not everything has to be dark and gloomy. but don´t get me wrong, I do like to be dark and gloomy! it´s just that it was nice to realize that if I want to change I can do it .
during these weeks I saw myself bearing in mindthat this could be the appropiate time to do it. a perfect opportunity to discover, evaluate and add new pieces of me.
i´m not gonna say that I´m happy, but at least I´m in peace with myself, and such a sensation cannot be wrong!
since I can remember, holidays have always been a problem to me I suppose it has to do with all tha extra (too much?) free time that I have, and which I haven´t learnt to deal with.
however, these last holidays have been completely different. I was able to organize my life in a productive way. therefore, I could go on with thew daily house chores (that will never, ever end, by the way), my teaching practice (an amazing experience), and I had time to think.
the good news is that I didn´t think in the same destructive way that I always do: this time I made a supreme and worthtaking effort and, to my delight, I found out that not everything has to be dark and gloomy. but don´t get me wrong, I do like to be dark and gloomy! it´s just that it was nice to realize that if I want to change I can do it .
during these weeks I saw myself bearing in mindthat this could be the appropiate time to do it. a perfect opportunity to discover, evaluate and add new pieces of me.
i´m not gonna say that I´m happy, but at least I´m in peace with myself, and such a sensation cannot be wrong!
Nonsense III
she forced me to be someone I didn´t want to be. since the day number one, she put me in a situation that didn´t allow me to think clearly. this intruder showed up out of nowhere, and never went away.
even when I refuse to do it, I cannot help seeing her. everywhere I go, this cgharacter is hidden. ready to attack me. ready to use my weakness as her weapon of death.
this is a professional that we are talking about. someone who has forced me to get apart from my family and friends.
she has managed herself to settle distractions araound me. I cannot let her win, but I cannot help it, either.
up to now, I still don´t know, or understand why did I let her in. how could I´ve been so stupid, so naiv and blind not to see what was going on?
I just want this crazy nightmare to end. I want to erase it from earth. will I be able to do it? is just the dessire of something sufficient? I wish I had answers to these questions that never stop. I wish I could.
even when I refuse to do it, I cannot help seeing her. everywhere I go, this cgharacter is hidden. ready to attack me. ready to use my weakness as her weapon of death.
this is a professional that we are talking about. someone who has forced me to get apart from my family and friends.
she has managed herself to settle distractions araound me. I cannot let her win, but I cannot help it, either.
up to now, I still don´t know, or understand why did I let her in. how could I´ve been so stupid, so naiv and blind not to see what was going on?
I just want this crazy nightmare to end. I want to erase it from earth. will I be able to do it? is just the dessire of something sufficient? I wish I had answers to these questions that never stop. I wish I could.
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