m-u-s-i-c!

Music. Great invention. Divine. I let it travel through me. Let it inspire me in an unique way. I love music. I need it. Everyday, I wake up with a song in mind. A melody. A far away tune that brings me memories. Music ties everything up. We make friends due to music. We even fall in love 'cause of it. Whenever I listen to one of my favourite songs (isn't that great? to say 'my' songs?), I feel something. Like I listened to it for the very first time. And I just let it work its magic. I may be feeling like singing or not, but the song I choose will always have that effect on me. An effect that I know by heart, and yet every time is different, like a first time, each time.
I have learnt many things from music. Have learnt not to give up, and in some cases to do give up, to step aside.
Most times a song has had the power to change my mood, not always for better, but even there you can see how powerful this ancestral gift of God is.
So let's just enjoy, and be fed by the rythm, the sensations and the everyday poem, sang by the everyday artist. It's just magic. You feel the same? Good, 'cause then I know that you'll do this trip with me, and if we get lost, we'll simply listen to the wise melody, and that'll do.

I won't think

Lilies that sorruond my innert body.
Music that comes from a far away place.
Everybody's going to the funeral, and I'm just watching.
This is my end, then.
Peace I feel, birds I see.
I will have someone to take care of me back there in eternity.
And I won't fear no more.
I won't escape, I promise.
For I will have found you,
And you and I, will be one.
We'll return at night, to see people passing by.
Not seeing us, ignoring us.
Just as always.
There won't be no pain,
And Iwill finally say I love you
I'm sorry.
Don't leave me. Come with me.
Eternity is a way back, and I don't want to feel lonely.
Not again.
But I won't think.
I'll keep my promise and won't think.
I know you'll come to me.
Somehow, someday.
Till that day
I won't think.

what do I write about?

Don't know what to write about. Crisis. Desperation. Two entries to go and I'm free. But what? What do I say? Since last year I have literally written my life down. And now I have no idea of what to say.
Let's see: so far I have written about me, me, me, my family, me, my friends, my school, me , the shrink, teachers, me, seasons, people I love, people I hate (screw you!), books, pets, me, being homesick, being sick, being in love (more than sick), memories from the past, funny annecdotes, best friends ever, me boy, music, God, even these corky poems, and now I'm just in white.
So what can I say that you don't already know about me? This blog is really a reflection of myself. Thanks to it I've been able to discover aspects I didn't even know that existed on me. And I'm not saying it's all been great, but it's been useful, somehow. But that doesn't help now, 'cause I should be writing about something interesting, or at least something. But no. Can't do it.
C'mon, think of something. THINK! There has to be something: like this morning when you saw him again (forget it, too embarrassing), or how about last Tuesday on the bus, when you couldn't breath 'cause you had the 'thing' again? No. Ok, I got it: write about your first day at Lola Mora's Institude. Why? So that you have something you fool! Ok, you know what? I don't need you, so thanks, conscience, angel, other me or whatever you are, but leave it. I'll think of something myself. Serves you right, then. All right, help me. Hey, I'm talking to you! Where are you going? Wait up!!!

christmas again

Let's supposse it's December. Let's pretend it's 24th. That means problems in my sick mind. I don't like Christmas at all. Why? Because it reminds me of bad things. It's been another year that I have deliberately left God aside. Me and Him, we have a strange relationship, you know? I have told Him that I will not go to church again. And that I don't want Him to worry about me.
In what refers to church, I don't feel ok when I go there. I barely enjoy being with people at that place. I feel a complete impostor, like someone taht needs to pretend that she's a good person. I am not a good person, not if I hurt God that way. But at the same time I can't help it: from where I see it, it's not a matter of faith, but of cheating on my Father. And I don't want to that, so that's why I had decided that.
However, God is in everything I do. I know that He walks at my sidde, watching me, helping me rise when I fall. I wish He didn't do that. It's not that I believe I don't need Him, how could I? It's just that I don't want Him to lose time with me.
So that's a number one reason why I don't like Xmas. And then it's these people, that would say 'Have a happy Christmas' and whatever, and the rest of the year they would simply through their car over you, just because it's in their nature. Wouldn't it be better if we acted more like we do every day? Or maybe that's the magic of this celebration, and I am not aloud to see it. Maybe next year.

black & white = darkness & light

So I finally told our language teacher that Iwouldn't sit for the makeup. Boy, was I embarrassed! But I have to deal with it. I had had a whole year to work on this blog stuff, and I could have done better. Now what I can say in my defense is that I don't like surfing the Internet (makes me nervous). But that's not an excuse.
And to think that I could have passed (yeah, without the grammar part!!!). Anyway, what's done it's done, and now I have to concentrate on the final. It won't be easy, but I have to trust myself that I'll do it. Cause if not, if I start with this 'I'm afraid' thing, it will be a dissaster.
Last night, after I told him, I couldn't sleep. And when I did, I had nightmares (no kidding), but this morning I woke up telling myself that this may be happening for some important reason (not just because I'm a freaking lazy girl), but because after I sit for the final, whatever the results are, I will appreciate more my knowledge and my capacity. Amen.

lovely evening

It's winter. This evening me and my girls (my best friends from high school) went out to have dinner. I was happy to see them again, 'cause we don't see each other that much. And I had a surprise for them: I took with me some of the sweet, crazy letters that they wrote me during our five years together at school. I have them with me just like a priceless treasure, that reflect an unforgetable time of our lives.
So we got to this great place, and I showed them the letters. First, they couldn't believe that I still would have them, and besides they didn't remember most of them, but we agree on reading them afterwards. So we had dinner, all of us taking turns to talk about our present lives: how are we doing at university (or school, in my case), work and how are things going on with our families. And of course, the love part (are we dating someone? How does he look like?, etc) is always a must in our encounters.
So we are having a great time, and after dinner I put the letters on the table, and we start reading. Nadia will be in charge of making the voices and pauses. And we start laughing 'cause this moment really transports us back to high school days. We remember each situation, and in case they don't, I make them remember, 'cause I have read these letters so many times, I know them by heart.
The funniest thing is that while we are reading, a young woman passes by. She looks at us and kind of paralyzes for a second. We look at her as well and realize that this girl also was our classmate in high school (for the record, we hated her!, and she felt the same thing for us) So we start laughing so hard 'cause like Vicky says, it's a flashback!
I'm home now, and I just feel happy. I've seen my best friends in the whole world and once again I had the chance to share a lovely evening with these amazing girls that are so part of ly life.

make good use of time

The other day our teacher told us about the idea of taking advantage on time, and how is it that different cultures relate to it. He told us that Americans really have an organized life, and they plan everything.
So I was thinking about this. I am an authentic 'hija del rigor'. I don't do things unless it's due for now. And even when I don't always act like this, it happenes to me that I never manage to administrate my time in a clever way. So every month, when I have this work to do at home with my computer, Iwould spend a whole night awake (really awake), 'cause next day I have to present everything.
And the same thing happens with the blog: it's November now, and I'm writing entries like crazy, only because during the whole year I kept putting it off. I wrote many things on paper, but I could have done better and put them in my blog. So you see what an irresponsible lady I am. I had chances of promover Language, but if I don't get the entries and stuff ready, I won't be able to.
Now, why don't we learn, as a society I mean, to use time in a proper way? Why do we always wait till the last minute or to something to happen that wil avoid us to do what we have to do?
We could be much better, couldn't we?

on the bus (with you)

Today it has been a long day at school. I am tired, 'cause we have been having parciales and stuff, but the day is finally over. So I get on the bus to go home. It's really hot, but the windows are opened and the wind feels awesome. And suddenly, you get in. I mean, you, the boy I'm secretely in love with. You! This can't be good, 'cause every time I see you, I start acting like a complete freak. Anyway, I'll be fine as long as you don't see me. My hands begin sweating, and all of the sudden I'm really cold, like it's freezing. And at some point, you look at me. No! I just look around, like I don't know who you are, and your expression is like: 'oh, no, it's this crazy one!'
So at this moment I think I'd like to put my head in the oven, and that nothing can be worst than having you centimetres away from me, but it does get worse!
Two of my neighbours also get on the bus and the moment they see me, they say hi and start talking to me. I try not to think on you, not even to look at you, but it's like an invisible force that makes me do it.
And I just can't maintein this conversation with them. I'm thinking on someone else. And when I'm back (like back in earth, reality or whatever), I hear: 'are you ok?' And I'm like 'yeah'. But me face, I don't know what it would be like, that they keep asking me if I'm allright.
So I just want to get home, but the trip is endless. And when we do get to our bus stop, I see that he approaches to me, and I think 'oh my God, he's going to talk to me!', but he looks at me like I'm in his way. So I move, all confussed of course, and these ladies that would keep asking me if I feel ok. They don't even know what was going on in my mind during that trip.
And I hope I don't ever see you again, at least on the bus. Situation too dramatic and stressful!

parcial

We are about to sit for our second language parcial. The other day, our teacher told me to do my best, since I had chances of passing the subject. So I get my seat and my parcial. So far I've been nervous and anxious, and I think it's only natural, and I'll be fine in a few minutes, once the exam has started, but it gets worse when I get to the essay. It'sthe first time that I can't come up with an iddea. I'm frozen and can't think clearly. I look at my classmates and thay are all concentrated, focused on their exam, so I see that it's just me. I would like to get the hell out of here right now, but I have to at least try it. So I stay, and I write what has probably been my worst essay ever. I just write these nonsensical ideas, simply because I can't think of anything intelligent right now.
It's about time, and I give up. I approach to our teacher, embarassed and tell him that I haven't done a good exam, just because I don't want him to read the stupid things I've just written. But I know he will read it, and I'll have to accept that Imade a terrible exam that happened to be the most important. Just like Charlie said, I still have a chance, but the fear is already installed in me.

father

We are having problems, I know. I know I haven't talked to you in more than two years, but I have my reasons for not doing it: you have hurt me more times than I can imagine. You have humiliate me in front of the family and outsiders, and I don't give a fuck if you did it consiously or not, it hurt anyway, with, or without intention.
Remember when we were kids? We would have a good or bad day pretty much depending on your good or bad day. And mom had to make sure we would behave properly, 'cause if not you would get angry and start swearing. I see my mom now and think: why? Why did she tolerate the things you made her go through? Why did she allow you to be a father in the first place? I'm not saying you have been a monster, 'cause you've never punished us physically, but you have been quite a bastard to us.
And then it's the time when mom had to look for a job, cleaning houses 'cause you couldn't find any job yourself. That year you started treating me worst than ever, yelling at me for no reason, talking shit of my brothers and the rest of my family in my presence, only 'cause you knew I wouldn't dare to make you stop talking. And all that for what? Just to find out, some years later, that you had had your own family once (with a child included in the picture). So, two years ago we met your son , Miguel. I can't believed that he came from Córdoba only to see you, 'cause he missed you! He's a nice guy and everything but he will never know how lucky he was to grow up without you. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I mean it.
You will never know all the times I locked at the bathroom, crying in silence (so that you wouldn't listen and freak out).
I'm a woman now, and I don't need you, so that's why I stoped talking at you. So that you can't hurt me with your words anymore. I know taht my mom suffers to see that we don't speak to each other, but I really prefer it this way. I'm better not having you in my heart. I'm better off without you.

just laugh at it!

This is a list of the things that make me laugh at every time I remember them:
- Once I saw a girl on the bus that sliped when she was getting off, but she didn't fall right away: she just stayed there dangling, and the bus driver with this face of: 'stop playing around, I have things to do!'
- When we were kids, my mom and my uncle would leave us in the car for hours on a hot day while they were looking for a present for their niece at the mall. It was boiling like you couldn't believe, and I was ok, but my brother, he just lost it: he would hit at the seat every two minutes, swearing, calling everybody names! And then this phrase: 'I hope uncle Victor doesn't say any jokes, 'cause I'm not in the mood of laughing!'
- Once I got to the butcher's to buy some meat, and while I was coming home I kept playing with the bag till it got broken: all the meat got on the floor, and this huge dog would appear from God knows where, and would eat the meat, just there, in front of me. Imagine my mom's face when I told her!
- We were at the club once, in our PE class, and my friend was walking on the edge of this empty swimming pool. And suddenly she dissapeared. When I looked for her she was at the botton of the pool, and I couldn't help her because I was laughing so hard!
- Another time we were in class, and one of my classmates would throw a ball at the air. Everybody step aside, except my friend (from the pool). The ball hit her right in the forehead!
- This one is awesome: on a Saturday afternoon, we met out godmother (quite a character) at down town, 'cause we had to buy don't remember what. The thing is that she would walk in a strange way, like she wouldn't lift her feet from the ground, and when my mom asked her what was wrong, she said that the shoes she was wearing were too big. The thing is that my brother (from the car) was so angry, 'cause he wanted to go home inmediately, that he started walking behing my godmother, mocking at her. But he wasn't joking, he really wanted to kill her!
- My eldest brother once saw our little brother (from the car) in the street. He had been to work (on a pink bike), and he had a flat tyre. Because the bike had been having the same problem, and also because of my brother's personality, he started kicking at the bike. Right there, in the middle of the street, he killed the poor bike!
So these are just some of the annecdotes that I always remember. They are great stories, at least for me.

the experience of writing

When last year Mister Lizarraga told us about the blog stuff, he was really exited about the thing, and I was so freaking angry. Like I didn't want to do anything out of the ordinary. You know, books and stuff. But that's just not what he had in mind.
By that time I didn't have Internet at home yet and the idea of going to the stupid cyber and having to actually interact with the guy in charge made me feel crazy.
The good thing is that because I was so messed up, I didn't have to go to the cyber so many times ('cause I didn't go on with the subject). And this year, because I got 'Charlisized' or something, I decided to get the service of Internet at home. And it has been great, 'cause it really gave me the chance to write at the moment I felt like writing. So I've been able to write when I was feeling great, or when I was sad, or angry. It has really had a therapeutic effect on me.
I was able to put on the paper (or screen), what I had in mind at that precise moment.
Last year, I got to know new aspects of myself due to the blog. The problem is that I didn't like at all what I saw inside me, and that, together with the reality af having quite a complicated year, turned into this dangerous cocktail.
But this year has been all right, and I got to accept al least some of the things I discovered last year. Now I know that if I am blue, or depressed, it's ok: no one will die and things will get better at some point. I know I had already written about this idea before, but now I believe myself.
So I look behind now, I compare my last year's entries and I clearly see how much some things have changed.
I'm not going to lie. At the beginning I really didn't like the idea of the blog at all, but once I got acostummed to it, and also once I made friends with tecnology, I was able to enjoy of this creative process.
So Charlie, well done! And thanks!

first day at school

I woke up today with a scene in my mind. Me, sitting at the back of a big classroom. Now, I don't remember almost anything about my childhood, but I surely, and clearly remember my first day at school. 'Cause you never forget that.
So I'm five again (I won't be six till May). It's really early in the morning and it's cold. I should be feeling tired, 'cause I never wake up so early, but I'm anxious, and scared. In fact, I didn't get any sleep last night. I spent hours rolling over in my bed, wondering what my new classmates would be like (for the record, this was my first year at this school, so I didn't know nobody).
My mom has walked me to school, and I know that she has to leave, but I wait for something to happen at the last minute and prevent her from leaving me there, alone, surrounded by strangers.
But nothing happens, and so my mom kisses me goodbye. She turns around once, and I look at her, like saying: 'mommy, please, don't', but she doesn't notice (does she?).
Anyway, this awful bell that would be part of my following seven years rings for the first time. I look everywhere, like trying to see the panic that I'm experiencing in other faces, but no one seems to notice.
So we get to our classroom. Shit, it's big. Bigger that I thought. As I get into it, I dare to look at some of my classmates. They are all friends, from kindergarten. I will be the only intruder. The good thing is that they are so freaking exited (don't know why) that they lose interest in me after some moments. Now, where am I going to sit? Aha, there's a chair with a desk at the very back of the classroom. Perfect! Till the teacher gets here (it will take her years) I can observe these kids that had turned out to be my classmates (and future friends, at least two of them).
Our teacher arrives (already yelling at us), and with this big, frightening smile, she would go: 'Buenos días, chicos', and then the classic: 'Bue-nos-dí-as-se-ño-ri-ta (whatever). And I realize that I hadn't said anything, so I get the first look of the morning (there will be more) from the teacher.
After I don't know what the hell, we would be asked to work in pairs. Everybody has a partner to work with, except me. So the teacher looks at me. No. Please, no. Don't do that! Don't talk to me! So I instinctively shut my eyes, and when I open them, everyone is looking at me: ...so she will be your new classmate. Her name's Barbara. Now, who wants to work with her?' Do I really have to say that nobody wanted to make group with me? Isn't it obvious?
So the freaking teacher goes: 'well, if don't say anything, I'll tell Barbara to choose a classmate'. WHAT??? Like, you seriously want me to do that? They'll hate me! So I get paralyzed, and in the end she chooses for me. I get to this group of so fashionable girls (yeah, at that age), that would talk to each other all the time about the pencil case that matches with the schoolbag and their eyes, or something.
So we do something, and then it's break time. All right, three more stupid hours here and I'll be free. But what about tomorrow? I don't think I will make it.
So now I know that all my existential problem has always been dued to that first day at school!

did I get better?

When this year started, I knew I had many things to change. Last year had been such a terrible one, that I didn't even want to try it again. I was really determined not to continue studying, and now I know what a big mistake it would have been, but there were two things that helped me make the right decision.
I said in one opportunity that I had gone to this therapist. I only went there for one session, but when I told her that I wanted to give up for this year, she adviced me to at least go to school and pay for my seat. She said that if I decided in the end not to continue, I wouldn't have lost anything, but if not, if my choice was to stay and fight back my own battles, I would have won.
Another thing that surely helped me was the presence of my friends. I have two groups of friends: one is made by my best three friends, that I know from years ago. So they came to my home, and even when coming back to that afternoon is painful, 'cause I was really messed up, they also suggested that I should try to go on with what had been my dream for the last four years.
And so I decided to try it again, but I still wasn't ready to face my teachers and classmates, I don't know why. So my other friends, from the institute told me what my brain needed to hear in order to react. That I had to go on. There was no other way out. Running away from my problems wouldn't make them vanish, but in the contrary, they would stay for ever.
It's November now. I had had quite a good year, and I have improved my studies. So did I get better? I would say I did. But I didn't do it alone. No way. If it had been for me, I would be locked up at home, or I simply wouldn't be here.
I got help. Help from the people I love, that know me well.
To you guys, thanks a lot. I will never forget what you have done for me, and I hope that some day I will be the confident shoulder you will require, if you ever need one.

it's over!

Well, I have finally finished my teaching prácticas today. It sure has taken me some time, but in the end I did it.
It hasn't been easy (it's not for anybody), but I was able to control my anxiety and personal fear(always present!). I had started my prácticas last year, but since I got crazy (or stressed out, whatever), I chose to do the second half this year.
And in spite of my fantasies, with annoying, rude students in them that I wouldn't be able to control, I was prized with this beautiful, gifted group of teenagers.
They have been wonderful, not perfect, but perfect to me. Fifteen intelligent adolescents and, as a bonus, a very nice girl from Germany that is visiting our town from whom I learnt quite a good deal of things.
The first classes were the most difficult ones, and I wouldn't sleep at all on the night before going to school, but eventually it got better. I learnt how to work with my voice so that they would listen and pay attention. The kids participated all the time. They were extremely active, and that was a totally unexpected thing for me, especially because last year, the group I had worked with was below the average. I mean, I know well that you can't predict (or pretend, in this country!) the kind of class you are going to deal with, but it was also quite a personal challenge, like facing my own demons or something. I was scared and I was sure it would be the hardest thing to achieve.
But it wasn't at all. The kids did great, and the project I made them work with was enjoyed by all of them.
I was also really lucky, 'cause their classroom teacher, Ms Teresita is a genious. I have learnt hundreds of things during the time I observed her, and while I was in charge as well. She was very helpful, and that is something I'll always be grateful for, 'cause it happens that you may get to a place where the teacher has the incorrect sensation that they are being invaved. I can understand that all of us suffer from self confident from time to time, but it would be awesome if they remembered that they have been in this same position themselves once, and surely did they need someone to support them. Anyway, I hope that if it comes a day that a resident needs to make use of my class, I will remember how frightening it can be to face the students when there is not a nice face at the back of the classroom to show you, even with a little, almost unperceptible smile, that you are doing ok.
So going back to 'my' students, I said goodbye to them this morning. I wanted to say many things but I got nervous as if it was my very first day with them. I also had the chance to tell Ms Teresita that it really has been an honour for me to work with her. And I miss them already!
So I did it. I finished something that had tormented me since last year. This has been a major step on my race to get my degree. And even when I'm not usually my best friend, today I could see that I have done good and that I have put myself nearer to my precious degree and my forthcoming carreer.

winter

Why is it that everybody hates winter? What's wrong with it anayway? I just love it. I love to go out when I know that there won't be a soul in the street. I like the sensation of the wind hitting my face. I like watching through the window the face on people on winter days: God, they do hate it! They walk quickly, like trying to avoid something, with their arms crossed. I see them and I'm happy, not because most people don't like winter, but because I like to think that I'm the only one that enjoys this beautiful season. Like God has created winter only for me (yes, I do know that I'm not the only one that likes winter, but this is my entry!).
So in days like these I try to go out as much as I can. And when I'm at home I do the things that I enjoy doing, like reading a good book or solving puzzles. Is it boring? Well, it is, but for me it has an indescriptable charm. It really feels as if we were in another planet, just visiting. And most people would look through their own window, waiting, expecting winter to end. So I feel like I want to stay in this place for ever.
When that day comes, and winter says goodbye till next year, I get a little blue, 'cause I know that these last three months have finally completed the cicle.
And then it will be spring. That is a season that I really hate. 'Cause when you are young, no matter what's going on in your life, you have to be happy in spring. It's like a must. And the thing is I'm not happy at all in spring. In fact, I spend three whole months feeling like I just want to put my head in the oven!

You may say: 'well, now you know what it is like when you like a season so much and others hate it'. And you are totally right, except that in winter there are no happy people on tv or magazines trying to convince you to get a cellphone (like that will make you happy!), or girls in perfect bodies saying that it's important to fall in love because 'spring is the time of love'. Please, give me a break. Spring, who the hell needs it? Let's wait for winter.

out of the blue

I don't want to think today, so I'll just do whatever I have to, without thinking of future consecuencies. Therefore...
I`ll tell you how much I love you, and how much I need you with me.
I'll tell my father that he could have been a much better dad.
I'll tell my friends that I'm sorry for all the times I didn't go out with them.
I'll tell my shrink that this isn't working.
I'll tell my teacher that she is a mediocre professional and an awful human being.
I'll tell my dear uncle that I love him, but I'm up to hear of listening to his uninteresting stories.
I'll tell my eldest brother that he's a horrible father.
I'll tell my mom of my constant nightmares.
I'll tell my little brother that he's killing my mom with he's attitude.
I'll tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
I'll tell her that I know her secret.
I'll tell myself that I'm sorry.
I'll say NO.
I have to do this, and it has to be today. Today is my last chance of taking all this out of my chest, out of my life.

the kingdom without the king

The big chair is empty for the first time in their history. Everybody is stunned. They can't believe that their king is gone. This wise man that had been always seen as the master and father of all children and grown ups, is no longer with them. No one knows what happened. Different theories are born, as a sutil way of trying to understand what' s been of their loved king.
Just as if was faith, or maybe is on purposse, there is no sun today. Instead, big, grey (almost black) clouds cover the sky. For the first time, the flowers that had coloured the kingdom for a whole life are closed today. Just like they were paying their respects for the death of this unique man.
And they, the people, are afraid, but they won't go anywhere. In the air there is a feeling of unease, of something bad about to happen, but these people are not going nowhere. Loyalty is not business: it's pure, unconditional love.
Tomorrow will be another day. And eventually they will manage to get over it. There will even be a day when the king will not be mentioned any longer. Children will be born and no story of the king's greatness will be told.
The king is somewhere, watching his people. He knows the future. He can tell all the good and bad things people will do now that he's gone. And suddenly, the remorse for having left them comes to his mind, but he soon erases it, for he knows that they will be all right. No one says it will be easy, but tomorrow, they will be all right.
Who would have said that such a glorious man would take into account even the time of departure? That's a man that goes there. Look well for this is your last chance of getting a glimpse of the person that has released you from suffering. Look well, open your eyes, for he's here, among us.
He has already vanished though, but his esence will remain for an eternity.

wanted: someone to love

A man is required. Should be young, but no exact age is asked for. Sweet, honest, nice and intelligent. Good sense of humour is a must. Should be able to find the positive side of everything. No specific prefered physical references will be needed. Just someone that is alone, eager to love and be loved.
For answers or information for a further interview, link to this post.

what are you looking at?

I am at San miguel's Institute, the house of fashion and glamour. I have to look for this teacher, and as I'm there, I notice something: wherever I go to, there's a group of people pointing at my everyday outfit and giggling. So the transformation begins...
It has been ten eternal minutes that I've been on this fucking place, and I'm lost, 'cause I can't find (not the teacher, forget the freaking teacher) the exit. I start feeling dizzy, and my hands begin sweating. I know myself well enough to know that these signals can't be good.
I'm in the street now, I still don't know how I got to the right door, but I'm out, so I mentally begin to insult everybody in this damn world: the teacher for not being where she was supossed to be (for the record: 'yes, I'll be there for sure, Barbara'), and then these annoying human beings: why do you think you are so much better than me? You don't even know me, and dare to judge me just on my appereance? How pathetic is that? You freaking morons, bastards that think that because a person doesn't wear the appropiate clothes she is below you. Well, you are wrong, you freaks! Iam a person with feelings. I try to be a better person everyday, and sometimes I even manage to do so, oh but that doesn't prove a damn thing to you. I am different, and that gives you the right to believe that you can tease me and make fun of it just so that you can feel well about yourself. Well, fuck you! I am different, but I have the right to inhabit this place, just as you do. And if you don't like me, if you find me so repulsive, don't fucking look! There, that's a magical solution. I have made my good action of the day by teaching you how to ignore me and continue your happy and shallow existance. Honestly man, go to hell!!!